I feel there's a lack of creativity in the writing of movies and tv. Studios know you're going to buy or at least go see certain things, but I don't particularly care about because of your shitty predictable taste, I get penalized. So, here are a few different things that we should just skip in hopes of something new.
1. Superhero movies - noooo more new ones. I'm done. There are so many superhero movies that no superhero seems super any more. It's hard to suspend disbelief when you know in another film you saw last week has another power that could totally defeat or is the same one. Like The Hulk vs. The Thing. Or Pyro vs. the Human Torch. Iron Man vs. Batman.
And seriously, no more Batman for another 20 years, please? I liked the Adam West re-runs and then Michael Keaton... I've had too many different Batmans in my time. Two Jokers is already too many.
2. Kid shows turned into films - Transformers, you dirty whore. You sucked. Your acting sucks. Your plot sucks. Taking transformers out of the cartoon was sooo bad. Now they're going to do another Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. There were 3 of those movies in the last 20 years. At least three. In fact, the second one is one of my top ten movies of all time, however, we don't need more.
3. Michael Cera - Oh god this kid sucks. I have no interest in him. He bores me, I'd fall asleep if he started walking towards me. Who gave him credit to keep being in films? The guy in Zombieland was a better nerd actor not to far removed from him, but didn't want me to hit an emo nerd in the face. I get weird and awkward, duh, it's me, but can someone just give this kid some pussy so he'll grow a backbone. Or take him out to the desert, give him some acid, then let him ride around with a biker gang that tries to initiate him by beatings. If he doesn't live, well, hey, we tried, but if he comes back maybe he'd seem more interestingly geeky.
4. Cop shows - I avoid cops whenever possible. Why do I want to watch what they do? I get it, there are bad guys out there. People do bad things. Sometimes cops are wrong. Sometimes they're right and bad guys still get away. I've gotten almost every episode plot like without going into the soap opera that is layered on it. Law & Order SVU should have been called the rape series, which still didn't make it more interesting. However, when Stewie was on, that was pretty cool.
5. Lawyer dramas - they're either Perry Mason and/or Ally McBeal. Perry Mason is better than ambien. Ally McBeal was alright, but again, that shows done, why bring it back.
6. Doctor shows - soap operas in hospitals don't excite me any more than being in a hospital. In fact, I'd rather just wait in an emergency room lobby. If there's a hot doctor at the local ER, at least I'd really have a chance to talk to him and not be a voyeur, fawning week to week over a douchey actor that had the luck of being the front man for good writers.
7. Ben Stiller - go away! You're dad was funny. Yes, you're super buff, but you're still ugly and not talented. With the exception of Zoolander, everything else you've messed up. Neurotic douche isn't funny. It just makes the scene longer. Stop talking out all your questions and then when you hit a point of questioning the other persons logic, the pause, "um..." while looking up thing really gets on my nerves. Don't have any kids in your films, they might grow up to act like you. Too bad the movies your in usually have really good actors. Damn you, Ben Stiller, that's a catch-22.
8. Long Commercial breaks - I will smack you, TBS, TNT and all those other channels that feel you've got to do 5-7 minutes of commercials every 10 minutes during a movie. Put it at the end or maybe a block at the end of the hour. I don't watch tv in the first place, and hulu is shorter, if you want me to keep relying on tv for movie viewing, you've got to understand, there are other options. Commercials are out of hand and they're loud, obnoxious, and usually break up my attention span. Well, I *wanted* to see that movie, but you no what doesn't have commercial breaks? Porn. Porn wins again, TBS. You lose and I doubly win.
If we eliminated all these things (with the exception of long commercial breaks) for about 15 years or so, they'd come back and they might be entertaining again. As it is, you're really running film and tv for me. I'm selfish, but it's been done before. Move on.
2:23 AM
5th grade writing prompt!
I like answering fifth grade writing prompts. This I feel was a fun one to answer.
Your family has just moved to a country where you don’t speak the language. What will you do to get through the first week of school?
If I moved to a place country that didn't speak English, being an American, the most logical thing to do, is give the teacher a blanket with small pox. They don't understand what you're saying, so they'll take it as a gift on face value.
Then when the teacher dies or becomes ill, that's when you take over the class, because the hierarchy has fallen apart. You then inform all the other students that you are now in charge, and they will communicate with you as you'd like to communicate - in English. Some will resist, so you bring in movies and cartoons that are fun to watch, ie the Simpsons, and demand they watch that to help learn the language.
Eventually, between positive and negative reinforcement, you'll have the majority speaking your language in no time.
Your family has just moved to a country where you don’t speak the language. What will you do to get through the first week of school?
If I moved to a place country that didn't speak English, being an American, the most logical thing to do, is give the teacher a blanket with small pox. They don't understand what you're saying, so they'll take it as a gift on face value.
Then when the teacher dies or becomes ill, that's when you take over the class, because the hierarchy has fallen apart. You then inform all the other students that you are now in charge, and they will communicate with you as you'd like to communicate - in English. Some will resist, so you bring in movies and cartoons that are fun to watch, ie the Simpsons, and demand they watch that to help learn the language.
Eventually, between positive and negative reinforcement, you'll have the majority speaking your language in no time.
7:10 PM
Guide to Being a (not so successful) Player
So you're looking to cheat on your girlfriend, or the girl you've convinced that she is your girlfriend. This is the process that most of you follow when looking for such affairs.
1) Find nights to go out without your girlfriend. This is the perfect time to lie about that. Find an alibi no one will check, like "I've got the kid this weekend" or "I've got to work" or "I'm going out of town." The busier your life appears to be, the better this works! This is the first of many lies you'll need to avoid confrontation later. If you say it enough, it becomes their truth.
2) On those nights while out, find the girl you'd like to hook up with. She may or may not be interested, but get her number, text her a lot. When you run into her, give her attention and ask why you haven't gone on dates yet. She'll eventually give in, because who doesn't like free food.
3) Finally, the other girl goes on a date with you. Never say you're with anyone now. Any other girl you have on the booty call list will simply be friends or you used to see that person. Saying you "used to see" someone is not completely a lie, you're not seeing that person right now, because she's not on the date with you. Semantics win again!
4) While on the date, text your girlfriend, say that you miss her and wish you were there with her. She'll go "aww..." and you'll be a champ with her.
5) Have sex with the new chick. The next day, make sure you text her again with post-game niceties, like "That was amazing." "I had fun last night." etc. Wait a day or so, then ask for a new date, but make sure you have a few days in between possibly a week, because you have to plan for the next step.
6) Take your girlfriend out to dinner the next night. Do it up nice and fancy. If you've never brought flowers, then that's a tell, but if you have, this is a perfect reason. Oh, and you don't even have to bother on changing your sheets. What are you, a decent guy? Prolly not, so, don't worry about it. She won't know that there's other DNA on the sheets if you don't tell her. Also, while on date with girlfriend, make sure you tell her how beautiful she is, she'll fall for you even more. And cuddle in the morning - another sure fire sign that nothing is wrong.
7) Don't forget! Kept texting the mistress. You're an even bigger pimp if you do it while on the date with the girlfriend. Make sure you say, "I wish I was with you tonight. But like I said, I've got work." Working on that ass!
8) Okay, you can avoid the girlfriend and blow her off for a few days. Sheesh. She's so needy.
9) Get back out there, playa, you've got new ass to take care of! Repeat steps 4-7. Make sure texts or convos you have with both ladies you tell them how much they're needed and how much you want them. Especially when the new girl starts getting suspicious, tell her, "I want to be with you." That'll stop that for a few days.
10) Now, the new chick is getting needy and won't stop trying to call you. Why would she ever think that she's you're girlfriend? I mean, you've already got one of those. Start from the beginnng. Repeat all steps.
11) Oh shit, the girls know about each other. And they're really pissed, why do they think you liked them so much?
12) Repeat step 1 again, except this time, go to the bar with your drinking buddies or really go out of town. Bitches are annoying. When you come back, hopefully, they'll be over you. Go to the chick that seems less mad. AVoidance is such an easy way to end things. Now, start the process all over again.
....and scene....
And the moral of the story is 1) don't lie. If there are others, tell your partner. and 2) if it's about sex, keep it to sex. Don't do compliments or say that someone is needed. They'll believe you.
Follow the last two, you'll probably get it a lot longer. Girls are way more open minded. We're also fairly vicious to one another, so you don't, chances are you're going to have an Ellin/Tiger scenario, while her other girlfriend is bumping Jazmine Sullivan while she's vandalizing your vehicle.
1) Find nights to go out without your girlfriend. This is the perfect time to lie about that. Find an alibi no one will check, like "I've got the kid this weekend" or "I've got to work" or "I'm going out of town." The busier your life appears to be, the better this works! This is the first of many lies you'll need to avoid confrontation later. If you say it enough, it becomes their truth.
2) On those nights while out, find the girl you'd like to hook up with. She may or may not be interested, but get her number, text her a lot. When you run into her, give her attention and ask why you haven't gone on dates yet. She'll eventually give in, because who doesn't like free food.
3) Finally, the other girl goes on a date with you. Never say you're with anyone now. Any other girl you have on the booty call list will simply be friends or you used to see that person. Saying you "used to see" someone is not completely a lie, you're not seeing that person right now, because she's not on the date with you. Semantics win again!
4) While on the date, text your girlfriend, say that you miss her and wish you were there with her. She'll go "aww..." and you'll be a champ with her.
5) Have sex with the new chick. The next day, make sure you text her again with post-game niceties, like "That was amazing." "I had fun last night." etc. Wait a day or so, then ask for a new date, but make sure you have a few days in between possibly a week, because you have to plan for the next step.
6) Take your girlfriend out to dinner the next night. Do it up nice and fancy. If you've never brought flowers, then that's a tell, but if you have, this is a perfect reason. Oh, and you don't even have to bother on changing your sheets. What are you, a decent guy? Prolly not, so, don't worry about it. She won't know that there's other DNA on the sheets if you don't tell her. Also, while on date with girlfriend, make sure you tell her how beautiful she is, she'll fall for you even more. And cuddle in the morning - another sure fire sign that nothing is wrong.
7) Don't forget! Kept texting the mistress. You're an even bigger pimp if you do it while on the date with the girlfriend. Make sure you say, "I wish I was with you tonight. But like I said, I've got work." Working on that ass!
8) Okay, you can avoid the girlfriend and blow her off for a few days. Sheesh. She's so needy.
9) Get back out there, playa, you've got new ass to take care of! Repeat steps 4-7. Make sure texts or convos you have with both ladies you tell them how much they're needed and how much you want them. Especially when the new girl starts getting suspicious, tell her, "I want to be with you." That'll stop that for a few days.
10) Now, the new chick is getting needy and won't stop trying to call you. Why would she ever think that she's you're girlfriend? I mean, you've already got one of those. Start from the beginnng. Repeat all steps.
11) Oh shit, the girls know about each other. And they're really pissed, why do they think you liked them so much?
12) Repeat step 1 again, except this time, go to the bar with your drinking buddies or really go out of town. Bitches are annoying. When you come back, hopefully, they'll be over you. Go to the chick that seems less mad. AVoidance is such an easy way to end things. Now, start the process all over again.
....and scene....
And the moral of the story is 1) don't lie. If there are others, tell your partner. and 2) if it's about sex, keep it to sex. Don't do compliments or say that someone is needed. They'll believe you.
Follow the last two, you'll probably get it a lot longer. Girls are way more open minded. We're also fairly vicious to one another, so you don't, chances are you're going to have an Ellin/Tiger scenario, while her other girlfriend is bumping Jazmine Sullivan while she's vandalizing your vehicle.
7:48 PM
Questions: Lupus
LUPUS FAQs answered. I'm in no way qualified, but it's fun.
1) My friend just found out she has lupus. I spend a lot of time with her. Is it like AIDS? Is it contagious? Could I catch it from her?
Yes, it's exactly like AIDS only so much more hilarious. Lupus actually ran rampant in the gay community in the 70s. Most people think Freddy Mercury died from AIDS. Not true. It was too much lupus in his system and when doctors told him he and his partner died laughing at the name.
2) We just found out my sister has lupus. My sister's doctor said she needs to see a specialist. What kind of doctor takes care of that?
I recommend a Witch Doctor. Or perhaps Doctor Robert from the Beatles' song, because all you have to do take a drink from his special cup, helping everyone in need. No one can succeed like Doctor Robert. Therefore it's like socialized medicine and he's really good at his job. Be my friend and I'll said you called.
3) What's the deal with lupus and the wolf and butterfly? Why are these used as symbols/references?
Because a frail dying person isn't good marketing.
4) I was diagnosed with lupus 10 years ago, but I haven't had a flare since then, and haven't shown any symptoms. Am I cured?
No, you're still a freak.
5) I hate taking medicine. I only take my lupus meds when I start to feel bad, or if I feel like I'm going to have a flare. Isn't this as good as taking my meds all the time?
You're sorta stupid, aren't you? No it's not. But marijuana makes you feel like you have taken your meds. In my opinion, it's pretty much the same thing.
So hang on, lupey, lupey hang on.
(Not meant to offend the lupus patients of america, but if I did, leave an angry comment and I'll probably laugh at you.)
1) My friend just found out she has lupus. I spend a lot of time with her. Is it like AIDS? Is it contagious? Could I catch it from her?
Yes, it's exactly like AIDS only so much more hilarious. Lupus actually ran rampant in the gay community in the 70s. Most people think Freddy Mercury died from AIDS. Not true. It was too much lupus in his system and when doctors told him he and his partner died laughing at the name.
2) We just found out my sister has lupus. My sister's doctor said she needs to see a specialist. What kind of doctor takes care of that?
I recommend a Witch Doctor. Or perhaps Doctor Robert from the Beatles' song, because all you have to do take a drink from his special cup, helping everyone in need. No one can succeed like Doctor Robert. Therefore it's like socialized medicine and he's really good at his job. Be my friend and I'll said you called.
3) What's the deal with lupus and the wolf and butterfly? Why are these used as symbols/references?
Because a frail dying person isn't good marketing.
4) I was diagnosed with lupus 10 years ago, but I haven't had a flare since then, and haven't shown any symptoms. Am I cured?
No, you're still a freak.
5) I hate taking medicine. I only take my lupus meds when I start to feel bad, or if I feel like I'm going to have a flare. Isn't this as good as taking my meds all the time?
You're sorta stupid, aren't you? No it's not. But marijuana makes you feel like you have taken your meds. In my opinion, it's pretty much the same thing.
So hang on, lupey, lupey hang on.
(Not meant to offend the lupus patients of america, but if I did, leave an angry comment and I'll probably laugh at you.)
5:50 AM
Ten Ways to Die while at the Master's Golf Course in Augusta
This past Wednesday, I was in Augusta, GA. It's a one trick town. Their main claim to fame and tourism is the PGA Master's Tournament. For whatever reason, the idea of epic deaths in Augusta came to mind - I use the phrase "epic" fairly facetiously, as none would compare to the scale of being gored by the running of the bulls in Pamplona, but your get the idea. So...
Ten Ways to Die while at the Master's Golf Course in Augusta
1. Make epic speech to the world and throw yourself off the Nelson Bridge into Rae's Creek.
2. Fling yourself in front of an unsuspecting and oblivious, high speed golf cart.
3. Cheat on Ellin Woods.
4. Throw golf balls into Ike's Pond until you piss of a gator. When he runs out of the water continue throwing balls at him. Wait for him to feed on you.
5. Take a bullhorn to the green and heckle unsuspecting rich douchebags with it while they're about to take the shot. The more serious they are about their game the better. Remember, Georgia is very pro carry. Wait for gun fire.
6. Get bitten by a rabid course squirrel.
7. Start a fight with a gang of golfers. Get beaten to death by assorted irons, woods and drivers.
8. Snort lines of Chem-lawn chemicals.
9. Bath in the Par Three Fountain with a plugged in toaster.
10. Watch the entire Master's Tournament and die from boredom.
12:10 AM
CALENDAR
* Best of Memphis Showcase
Skitz (inside Neil's)
Saturday, July 24 at 9:00pm
www.bigfunnyproductions.com
* Mostly Comedy! - Memphis
Full Moon Club
w/ Andy Fleming, Katrina Murrell, Richard Douglas Jones and Kyle Kinane!
Tuesday, August 3 at 8:30pm
www.mostlycomedy.com
* Dadeville, AL
Lake Martin Oyster Bar
w/ Mo Alexander
Thursday, August 19 at 8:00pm
* Topeka, KS
Jeremiah Bullfrogs
w/ Mo Alexander
Thursday, September 2 at 8:00pm
http://www.bullfrogslive.com/
* Murrells Inlet, SC
Stand Up Carolina
w/ Mo Alexander
Wednesday, November 17 at 8:00pm
http://www.standupcarolina.com/
Skitz (inside Neil's)
Saturday, July 24 at 9:00pm
www.bigfunnyproductions.com
* Mostly Comedy! - Memphis
Full Moon Club
w/ Andy Fleming, Katrina Murrell, Richard Douglas Jones and Kyle Kinane!
Tuesday, August 3 at 8:30pm
www.mostlycomedy.com
* Dadeville, AL
Lake Martin Oyster Bar
w/ Mo Alexander
Thursday, August 19 at 8:00pm
* Topeka, KS
Jeremiah Bullfrogs
w/ Mo Alexander
Thursday, September 2 at 8:00pm
http://www.bullfrogslive.com/
* Murrells Inlet, SC
Stand Up Carolina
w/ Mo Alexander
Wednesday, November 17 at 8:00pm
http://www.standupcarolina.com/
8:53 PM
Memphis hates you Memphis Beat
Memphis is a good place to live, bitch and hate. Former Mayor Herenton's slogan was "shake the haters off" (http://www.allbusiness.com/humanities-social-science/visual-performing-arts/11867857-1.html), but if we did that, who would be around? Maybe a few clergy people and altar guild church members around town.
Memphis Beat's inaccuracies are going to make the Memphis Hater's association en masse be prevalant.
A few things we hate.
1) Elvis. And Elvis impersonators.
Seriously, you show up in Elvis attire being from elsewhere, we might stab you. We're 2nd in the nation on that, so I wouldn't try it. If you want to be happy with music, I suggest be an Otis Redding, Sam Jackson, Justin Timberlake, Cybil Shephard, Isaac Hayes or Aretha Franklin impersonator. You'd get more mad props.
2) Scenes not in Memphis shot in other more prosperous and loved cities - i.e. NOLA.
The music video for "Memphis Beat" has a House of Blues in it. Um... we don't have one. We've got a Hard Rock. We've got a Coyote Ugly. We've got B.B. Kings. No H.o.B. Why pretend we have something that is a sign of local economic prosperity, when we couldn't sustain that if we wanted. Maybe at the casinos in Tunica, but that's about it.
They could have gone to the ghetto where they play real blues and use that as a location.
3) The MPD.
No one on the MPD is as hapless as DJ Qualls. Not that skinny. If that kid went to the ghetto, he'd be laughed at overpowered and possible held hostage just because it'd be easy and convenient too. Granted the MPD is a large organization, but my favorite MPD guy is an Iraq war vet and a socialist. Where's that?
We don't hate all the MPD, in fact, I like the guys who are "off duty/undercover" that hang out at Alex's till 6am playing cards and turning a blind eye to the coke deals and hooking that goes on, in order to make sure no fights go on. But if that made it to the show, Alex's Tavern wouldnt be open till all hours of the morning. Maybe that should happen...
4) Memphis Politics
Our politcs are a mockery. Corruption. Drinking. Stupid quotes! Steve Cohen is the only decent guy that we can talk about without having to apologize for them. A few other peeps that need caricatures:
Janis Fullilove! Drinker and driver! Likes to cry on camera when she knows she's full of shit. (http://www.clipsyndicate.com/video/playlist/3378/1035078?cpt=8&title=local_fb&wpid=1260) and what Memphis show would be complete without Prince Mongo! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jU6pGaGPEg) He's originally from the planet "Zambodia" and has almost won Mayor/Senate offices in the last 25 years of his running. He also said in last years debates, his way of dealing with crime was to give everyone Uzis. I wish I were joking. Herenton's interview with Reporter Joe Birch was especially fun when Birch asked normal questions, and Herenton turns every interview into Springer (http://www.commercialappeal.com/news/2009/aug/14/herenton-my-state-mind-real-good/ see the bottom quotes).
5) We hate your BBQ. We hold the International Competition, therefore we win. Every time.
6) We hate your idea of "time" or "being on time." We'll get to it eventually.
7) We hate not drinking. Sunday would be so much cooler if the liquor stores were open.
8) Did I mention we really don't like Graceland?
9) We don't much like tourists. Especially ones here for Elvis.
10) Beale St. would be better if the damn tourists weren't there. They always look like they think they'll be shot and uneasy at the amount of black people on the street.
All in all, we hate the show. We get the credit, but it makes us look cooler in some aspects, completely fabricated in others, and it's like a show about NYC filmed in Boston. So wrong.
Overall... we hate. ...the show. You bring it here, let us be extras, then you'll get off our shitlist jason lee... and we might even let you keep the elvis impersonator angle.
Memphis Beat's inaccuracies are going to make the Memphis Hater's association en masse be prevalant.
A few things we hate.
1) Elvis. And Elvis impersonators.
Seriously, you show up in Elvis attire being from elsewhere, we might stab you. We're 2nd in the nation on that, so I wouldn't try it. If you want to be happy with music, I suggest be an Otis Redding, Sam Jackson, Justin Timberlake, Cybil Shephard, Isaac Hayes or Aretha Franklin impersonator. You'd get more mad props.
2) Scenes not in Memphis shot in other more prosperous and loved cities - i.e. NOLA.
The music video for "Memphis Beat" has a House of Blues in it. Um... we don't have one. We've got a Hard Rock. We've got a Coyote Ugly. We've got B.B. Kings. No H.o.B. Why pretend we have something that is a sign of local economic prosperity, when we couldn't sustain that if we wanted. Maybe at the casinos in Tunica, but that's about it.
They could have gone to the ghetto where they play real blues and use that as a location.
3) The MPD.
No one on the MPD is as hapless as DJ Qualls. Not that skinny. If that kid went to the ghetto, he'd be laughed at overpowered and possible held hostage just because it'd be easy and convenient too. Granted the MPD is a large organization, but my favorite MPD guy is an Iraq war vet and a socialist. Where's that?
We don't hate all the MPD, in fact, I like the guys who are "off duty/undercover" that hang out at Alex's till 6am playing cards and turning a blind eye to the coke deals and hooking that goes on, in order to make sure no fights go on. But if that made it to the show, Alex's Tavern wouldnt be open till all hours of the morning. Maybe that should happen...
4) Memphis Politics
Our politcs are a mockery. Corruption. Drinking. Stupid quotes! Steve Cohen is the only decent guy that we can talk about without having to apologize for them. A few other peeps that need caricatures:
Janis Fullilove! Drinker and driver! Likes to cry on camera when she knows she's full of shit. (http://www.clipsyndicate.com/video/playlist/3378/1035078?cpt=8&title=local_fb&wpid=1260) and what Memphis show would be complete without Prince Mongo! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jU6pGaGPEg) He's originally from the planet "Zambodia" and has almost won Mayor/Senate offices in the last 25 years of his running. He also said in last years debates, his way of dealing with crime was to give everyone Uzis. I wish I were joking. Herenton's interview with Reporter Joe Birch was especially fun when Birch asked normal questions, and Herenton turns every interview into Springer (http://www.commercialappeal.com/news/2009/aug/14/herenton-my-state-mind-real-good/ see the bottom quotes).
5) We hate your BBQ. We hold the International Competition, therefore we win. Every time.
6) We hate your idea of "time" or "being on time." We'll get to it eventually.
7) We hate not drinking. Sunday would be so much cooler if the liquor stores were open.
8) Did I mention we really don't like Graceland?
9) We don't much like tourists. Especially ones here for Elvis.
10) Beale St. would be better if the damn tourists weren't there. They always look like they think they'll be shot and uneasy at the amount of black people on the street.
All in all, we hate the show. We get the credit, but it makes us look cooler in some aspects, completely fabricated in others, and it's like a show about NYC filmed in Boston. So wrong.
Overall... we hate. ...the show. You bring it here, let us be extras, then you'll get off our shitlist jason lee... and we might even let you keep the elvis impersonator angle.
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