At 19, I hated Alaska, apparently

Looking for something else, I came across this poem/song that I forgot that I had written when I was 19. It amuses me... maybe I was emo?

I hate Alaska more than you know
Just a frozen wasteland of ice and snow
Fairbanks is an anus . A big shitty hole.
I hate Alaska. And the North Pole

Plenty of homeless natives who are passed out drunk
There's three kinds of trees with toothpicks for trunks
They've got Polar Bears, but you'll never see one
Just a retarded toothless redneck on his trailer porch and a shotgun

Japs and krauts make a journey to see the northen lights
Hope you like 3 months of pitch black night.
People get depressed there when the sun goes down
And then the druggies decide to shoot everyone in town.

How can you not love our 49th state?
Leader in child molestation, domestic abuse, ice cream, rape.
Russia would send prisoners there to rot and die.
The same will happen to you, trust me. This isn't a lie.

Sex, Nude Pics and Vids Guidelines for the Inept (Or Carrie Prejean)

Despite having a stage name close to that of a popular pornstar, I'm no sex goddess (outside of my own head) or have very little sense of what makes good erotica for others to consume. I hear the robot or the stanky leg aren't really a popular pole dance stylings.

Regardless, I get play and am always baffled when I get the question of "do you have naked pictures?"

For the majority, the answer is always no, which should prolly be one of the first guidelines. That will the preamble, although, if you do find yourself needing to send off sexual media, whether it be pictures or video, here are few tips. This, naturally, is inspired by the keenly intellectual, perceptive, Mensa presidential candidate Carrie Prejean's almost unbelievable handicapped reaction to her leaked sex tape.... So Carrie, this is dedicated to you.


1. If I guy says "I won't show (said media) to anyone. I promise!", we know from the Male-Defecant Theory that states, "All guys are full of shit.", that this will inevitably be a lie.

2. Never send media to someone with an iPhone. Especially if they are pictures, they are so easy to show off, whether the visual recipient is willing or it's a surprise. I don't know how many road hoes I've seen on friends phones while flipping through fun pics and then, titty!

3. Guys like nude pics. No really. It's different then perusing online porn, because they know you. They really, really like nude pics. Unless it's a pic of you with some other dude's cock in your mouth. His penis in your mouth is fine.

4. If you have funky genitalia (ie an extra vagina, hermaphroditic properties, interesting looking breasts) or have an oddly shaped body (ie misproportioned, extremely obese, emaciated), don't be surprised when you find yourself on lapdances-for-lapbands.com or nastytitties.net.

5.If you're job is to be sexy, or sell sex, and you produce a sex video, chances are your calling was to suck a dick on camera rather than trying to be a dense anti-gay rights spokesperson. Instead of interviews to defend your lack of judgement and show the world your horrible debating skills, you should probably just leave the studio and suck a dick.

6. After being caught, dont say it was a mistake. Setting up camera angles, blocking, lightening, hiding dirty laundry in the background, choosing matching undergarments is a production. Productions are a lot of works for a mistake. Even the Blair Witch Project never called it's production a mistake.... because it was intentional!!

7. Unless you have blackmail on your recipient, don't be surprised that it gets out to his friends. I suggest getting compromising photos of him being on the receiving end of anal sex. No typical man would want that out in the public, keeping your bare ass out of the public.

8. If your parents see your nekkid media, then deny it. Deny it like your denying paternity on the Maury show. And if you can't, then bring up their sex toy collection.

9. If your vid/pics get viral, go ahead and capitalize! Get a sponsor. Like Trojan, KY, Viagra, gerber.

And finally...

10. You should never give your naked media to anyone who isn't awesome in bed. If they are, no amount of repercussion will matter. And I hope you get a call back. When questions come back to you, you can always answer, "what? I was away and he fucks like a champ!" Ain't no shame ladies, do yo' thang...


Now quit whining, Mz. Prejean, you'd prolly be better off if you'd quit using those vocal cords and just go suck a dick, which you're prolly better at than using your brain.

Livefrommemphis.com

The loverly people at Livefrommemphis.com have put me up with the 60 Seconds of Local Memphis artist. This is my week. Rock!




Look at all the places you can find me online...

http://www.livefrommemphis.com/lfmtv/60seconds/858-60-seconds-of-jane-haze

Thanks chris and brad et al at lfm.com!

News and science stories!

It's niobiumnitride snipes...
Turns out the blackest black on Earth is not Wesley Snipes.


Run, Mouse, Run!
There's a study that different oils given to mice will speed them up. Sunflower or linny. Go with the Sunflower oil my rodent friend, so you can get nowhere in your wheel, just a little bit faster.

Waggling wings.
Apparently, wings on an airplane that waggle could cut emissions by 20%. ...only 15% if that damn monkey is still on the wing.

Drunk dialing and bikram memphis

Often times I find that after a night of drinking I find that I don't drunk dial. Main reason, because I slur my words enough as it is when I'm sober and I don't want to be that chick calling up.

However, drunk texting rocks! I will do that with certain individuals. Even still, I'm fairly good about keeping some moderation.

This brings up the point of having random celebrities in your phone. Like I have Steve Nieve's (Elvis Costello and the Attractions/The Imposters, pianist) The only time I could imagine having the courage to use numbers that I have (or have not been given.. ahem) would be during a drunk dial.

My mother has Ruth Bader Ginsberg's number. This would be the most excellent number to call up, especially at a raucous party where some bs argument comes up.

"Star Wars is waay better, dude! The action sequences are cooler and the scifi aspect of it going to different worlds is better."
"BS. Star Trek is the way to go. You can't compare to the power of James T. Kirk."
"Na-uh"
"Uh-huh!"
"Shut up retard, I'm gonna call up someone who could give us the final word. (dial) Hey Ruthie! I know it's three in the morning, but dude, what's better? Star Trek or Star Wars? Uh-huh... HA! Star Wars I told you, bitches! And now you can't bring it up and argue it again, because that's double jeapardy and there's no power higher than a muthafuckin' supreme court justice. No appeals. Pwned!"

You would be the most pedantic, annoying drunk ever. And that's cool.



A friend of mine called me up to tell me he was doing bikram yoga. I kinda laughed, because I had decided a while back, that as long as I'm in memphis that is pointless. Bikram yoga is yoga done at 105 degrees, with 60 percent humidity. Every thing we do in memphis during the summer is bikram. It's been over 100s all week. Yesterday I took a bikram walk to the mailbox. Then I did some bikram bbq sandwich eating. Hooked up with a dude last week with no utilities, and did some bikram fucking and afterwards had a delightful bikram nap. I lost 3 pounds. (Then gained it back on my face!)

So, that's enough for this week.

Things your local stand up comic doesn't want to hear.

I am a stand up comic. Sometimes I don't feel I've had much of decision in doing stand up and being apart of that community - it just happened like teenage pregnancy. People could go off into the new-agey attitude of "it's your calling" or ones destiny, perhaps, but I never really look at it that way. It's just something I decided to do, as much as other people are musicians or writers or teachers or scientists or procreaters or church goers or what have you.

Being a comic, I don't actually think that people give us nearly the respect we deserve as being hard working or think we have a legitimate job that only a select few are capable of doing, much less actually being good at. After a little more than four years of performing and damn near ten years of researching and following the art, I've come to some conclusions based on oh-so many conversations I've had with people about stand up comedy. So, as a gift to society, I've compiled a list of moronic ideas we hear over and over again, which proves our mental superiority and other peoples shear ignorance.


1. "My favorite comic is..." or Professional Ignorance.

When talking to people from shows, this topic often comes up. This is where you find out what the level of your comedy audience is or was. Especially in rednecky parts of the country or college campuses, the line "My favorite comic is..." is often proceeded by names like Larry the cable Guy, Dane Cook, or Carlos Mencia. Typically, what the person in front of you looks like will give you some indication as to what professional hack with which they most identify. Every time someone says one of those names, a comic moves away from LA and goes back to their 9-5 job in their hometown.

When it comes to the profession of comedy, saying one of those names is like calling US Weekly or Guns & Ammo your favorite novel.

To fix this, simply go to your local comedy club, ask the comics who they're favorites are and research. Then maybe next time you'll sound enlightened by listing people such as Bill Hicks, Robert Hawkins, Ron Shock or my personal favorite, Greg Proops.

2. "I was just trying to help you out..."

The ol' heckler misconception. If you ever say this to a comic, please go home and shoot yourself. The idea of heckling is really a faux pas. In the 80s, a lot of comedians relied on audience interaction and had no real act. Nowadays, it's still in people's minds to heckle, despite the fact the majority of the time, the performer has written material a set amount of time, and none of it involves you.

If you must heckle, ask yourself this - am I capable of driving home without getting pulled over for drunken driving? Am I a bachelorette with any sort of penis paraphernalia on my person or at my table? Was I about to say 'git 'r done'? If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, don't speak. You're a nuisance, we've heard it before, and yes, please do shoot yourself.

3. "Do you know who you remind me of?"

The answer to this, is do I care? That answer is no. Unless it's someone brilliant, walk away.

...and shoot yourself.

4. "My friends think I'm funny."

Fantastic, then go down to the open mic and sign up. Don't detract away from my time of day by saying something to me that proves nothing. Besides, you're probably not and you're friends are probably wrong. If you decide to do comedy, chances are they'll be the only ones laughing. I've seen it too many times. That's about as disrespectable as going up to Itzhak Pearlman and saying,"Hey dude, I play a mean fiddle too, let me go out on the road with you." Not that the majority of people who say this would know who Itzhak Pearlman was...

5. "You should use that in your act."

Again, no I shouldn't. You use it in your act. The story about your homophobia going into a gay bar or that street joke I heard 15 years ago is not worth my performance time, but you go ahead.

6. "You're a comic? Tell me something from your act!"

You would think people would have enough respect to leave this one alone. To do a joke from your act at a bar or in a bank line or at church is always weird and awkward. This is not the same setting, and I'm not getting paid. Comedy is still a stage show. When you're off work from writing or driving or contacting bookers, sometimes you don't want to think about it any more. Besides, talk to us long enough, chances are, we'll run a joke or idea by you eventually, we're quite shifty like that.

7. "Stick with it!"

Sigh... because I planned to stop? I'm glad Billy the Drunky Guy in the audience is now doing the evaluating of comedy. When we say "Thank you" to this after having stuck with it for years, it really means, "Seriously, please go shoot yourself."

8. "Bill Cosby never used profanity."

Last time I checked, my name isn't Bill Cosby. But you know who did use profanity? Sam Kinison, Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Redd Foxx, Richard Pryor, Mitch Hedberg... and pretty much every other fun adult humor oriented comic since. The people in America curse everyday. Shit, I did it just now. It's a personal choice, and if it's not your cup of tea, then it's not. Just remember cursing does exist in the vernacular of the majority of our culture; a comic is speaking with the tone and linguistic propensity they are most comfortable with while communicating our brand of humor to you.

9. "Being a comic must be so fun."

Comedy has it's moments of being the greatest thing ever. It also has it's moments of being the most soul sucking creature to walk this earth since Karl Rove. You must travel all the time, keyword there is the imperative, which can be awesome when you're going to a cool place, but when you find yourself in a place like Prestonburg, Kentucky, you think otherwise. Not enough people realize the hardship that being on the road can be. Drinking to access is as much networking as imbibery. We are advertisements for more booze. We eat fast food for weeks at a time, hurting our health. Morgan Spurlock did it for fun, we do it out of necessity. Vegetables and vitamins aren't always on the agenda. Oil changes and new tires happen in a ridiculously short time. Not getting paid from establishments and bookers, getting fired for small infractions of fascists managers, politics, social networking, self marketing, trying to get on tv, trying to get into festivals, getting CDs or t-shirts printed, restocking your promo packs,... AAAHHHHH!!!!

Oh yeah, we write jokes too. And we're not even going to talk about bombing. And people wonder why comics can be a little weird.


10. "You're not that funny."

I'm still a (mostly) nice person. And I've put years of hard work and thought into being this unfunny. I appreciate your feedback and I'll try again tomorrow. But really, as we've established, you're probably not that good of an audience member or comedy connoisseur - so there. I hope you go home tonight, find your rifle and some hollow points and yes, please do leave me be and go shoot yourself.

Crowley to Hip Hop Prayer Book

I read a tweet today, that has spun me into 3 hours of random wiki reading. The quote was from Crowley. I learned that Crowley first developed a drug addiction after a London doctor prescribed heroin for his asthma and bronchitis.

And to think how hard it is to get oxycontin these days from your physician. I think we've regressed.

That's also like weeding your garden with nuclear weapons. Sure, it'll get the job done, but really, do you need the cancer?

Learning about Aleister Crowley spun into all the secret societies and his occult practices and his life to Thelema and finally back over to Christianity.

I tried to cross reference something from wikipedia, which ended up being mis-cited according to my trusty KJV. I sat that down, and remembered that my mom also gave me a "Hip Hop Prayer Book" for my birthday.

I finally cracked the pages. Yes, it's as hilarious as you'd think it'd be.

First problem - It's still an Episcopalian prayer book, which combines the whitest group of people on earth, with their perception of what they think the inner city youths will respond to.

Saying "WORD!" after "amen" for example. I don't get it, but will keep reading.

This goes to from regular Nicene Creed or Lord's Prayer speech to their horrible interpretation of Psalm 114.

The regular Psalm 23 can be found here - http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2023;&version=9;

The Hip Hop Prayer Book version is:


[...]
He guides my life
so that I can represent
and give shouts out in his Name.

And even though I walk
through the Hood of death,
I don't back down
for you have my back.

The fact that you have me covered
allows me to chill.

He provides me with back up
in front of my player haters
and I know that I am a baller
and life will be phat.

I fall back in the Lord's crib
for the rest of my life.




You've taken a somewhat reputable work and made it not so much.

It's like taking the bible and putting it through the snoop dizzle site translator.

Also, as a fun fact, the final pages has a list of "respect, shouts out! & big ups", which as you might know, the plural of "shout out" is "shout outs"...

Number one listed... "Poet, Prophet Tupac Shakur"

Jigga wha?! While "Hail Mary" might sound like it should be in the book, I doubt the line "revenge is like the sweetest joy next to gettin pussy"...

Sounds like church to me...

So, "hail mary, nigga" might be apropos in this context. Like Praised be the Lord, bitch! Kyrie eleson, motherfucker. It's very hostile sounding, but instead of gregorian chants, you get kanye west and nas. (not joking. the eucharist schedule is on the back and those two artist are the music.)

Now... back to the Book of the Law wiki entry. It's 4 hours later and I still haven't gotten pass the second paragraph. Damn you ease of information around us all.

Cough and a wheeze... I think I need some heroin.