Questions: Lupus

LUPUS FAQs answered. I'm in no way qualified, but it's fun.


1) My friend just found out she has lupus. I spend a lot of time with her. Is it like AIDS? Is it contagious? Could I catch it from her?

Yes, it's exactly like AIDS only so much more hilarious. Lupus actually ran rampant in the gay community in the 70s. Most people think Freddy Mercury died from AIDS. Not true. It was too much lupus in his system and when doctors told him he and his partner died laughing at the name.


2) We just found out my sister has lupus. My sister's doctor said she needs to see a specialist. What kind of doctor takes care of that?

I recommend a Witch Doctor. Or perhaps Doctor Robert from the Beatles' song, because all you have to do take a drink from his special cup, helping everyone in need. No one can succeed like Doctor Robert. Therefore it's like socialized medicine and he's really good at his job. Be my friend and I'll said you called.


3) What's the deal with lupus and the wolf and butterfly? Why are these used as symbols/references?

Because a frail dying person isn't good marketing.



4) I was diagnosed with lupus 10 years ago, but I haven't had a flare since then, and haven't shown any symptoms. Am I cured?

No, you're still a freak.

5) I hate taking medicine. I only take my lupus meds when I start to feel bad, or if I feel like I'm going to have a flare. Isn't this as good as taking my meds all the time?


You're sorta stupid, aren't you? No it's not. But marijuana makes you feel like you have taken your meds. In my opinion, it's pretty much the same thing.


So hang on, lupey, lupey hang on.


(Not meant to offend the lupus patients of america, but if I did, leave an angry comment and I'll probably laugh at you.)

Ten Ways to Die while at the Master's Golf Course in Augusta

This past Wednesday, I was in Augusta, GA. It's a one trick town. Their main claim to fame and tourism is the PGA Master's Tournament. For whatever reason, the idea of epic deaths in Augusta came to mind - I use the phrase "epic" fairly facetiously, as none would compare to the scale of being gored by the running of the bulls in Pamplona, but your get the idea. So...

Ten Ways to Die while at the Master's Golf Course in Augusta

1. Make epic speech to the world and throw yourself off the Nelson Bridge into Rae's Creek.

2. Fling yourself in front of an unsuspecting and oblivious, high speed golf cart.

3. Cheat on Ellin Woods.

4. Throw golf balls into Ike's Pond until you piss of a gator. When he runs out of the water continue throwing balls at him. Wait for him to feed on you.

5. Take a bullhorn to the green and heckle unsuspecting rich douchebags with it while they're about to take the shot. The more serious they are about their game the better. Remember, Georgia is very pro carry. Wait for gun fire.

6. Get bitten by a rabid course squirrel.

7. Start a fight with a gang of golfers. Get beaten to death by assorted irons, woods and drivers.

8. Snort lines of Chem-lawn chemicals.

9. Bath in the Par Three Fountain with a plugged in toaster.

10. Watch the entire Master's Tournament and die from boredom.

CALENDAR

* Best of Memphis Showcase
Skitz (inside Neil's)
Saturday, July 24 at 9:00pm
www.bigfunnyproductions.com

* Mostly Comedy! - Memphis
Full Moon Club
w/ Andy Fleming, Katrina Murrell, Richard Douglas Jones and Kyle Kinane!
Tuesday, August 3 at 8:30pm
www.mostlycomedy.com

* Dadeville, AL
Lake Martin Oyster Bar
w/ Mo Alexander
Thursday, August 19 at 8:00pm

* Topeka, KS
Jeremiah Bullfrogs
w/ Mo Alexander
Thursday, September 2 at 8:00pm
http://www.bullfrogslive.com/

* Murrells Inlet, SC
Stand Up Carolina
w/ Mo Alexander
Wednesday, November 17 at 8:00pm
http://www.standupcarolina.com/

Memphis hates you Memphis Beat

Memphis is a good place to live, bitch and hate. Former Mayor Herenton's slogan was "shake the haters off" (http://www.allbusiness.com/humanities-social-science/visual-performing-arts/11867857-1.html), but if we did that, who would be around? Maybe a few clergy people and altar guild church members around town.

Memphis Beat's inaccuracies are going to make the Memphis Hater's association en masse be prevalant.

A few things we hate.

1) Elvis. And Elvis impersonators.

Seriously, you show up in Elvis attire being from elsewhere, we might stab you. We're 2nd in the nation on that, so I wouldn't try it. If you want to be happy with music, I suggest be an Otis Redding, Sam Jackson, Justin Timberlake, Cybil Shephard, Isaac Hayes or Aretha Franklin impersonator. You'd get more mad props.

2) Scenes not in Memphis shot in other more prosperous and loved cities - i.e. NOLA.

The music video for "Memphis Beat" has a House of Blues in it. Um... we don't have one. We've got a Hard Rock. We've got a Coyote Ugly. We've got B.B. Kings. No H.o.B. Why pretend we have something that is a sign of local economic prosperity, when we couldn't sustain that if we wanted. Maybe at the casinos in Tunica, but that's about it.

They could have gone to the ghetto where they play real blues and use that as a location.


3) The MPD.

No one on the MPD is as hapless as DJ Qualls. Not that skinny. If that kid went to the ghetto, he'd be laughed at overpowered and possible held hostage just because it'd be easy and convenient too. Granted the MPD is a large organization, but my favorite MPD guy is an Iraq war vet and a socialist. Where's that?

We don't hate all the MPD, in fact, I like the guys who are "off duty/undercover" that hang out at Alex's till 6am playing cards and turning a blind eye to the coke deals and hooking that goes on, in order to make sure no fights go on. But if that made it to the show, Alex's Tavern wouldnt be open till all hours of the morning. Maybe that should happen...


4) Memphis Politics

Our politcs are a mockery. Corruption. Drinking. Stupid quotes! Steve Cohen is the only decent guy that we can talk about without having to apologize for them. A few other peeps that need caricatures:

Janis Fullilove! Drinker and driver! Likes to cry on camera when she knows she's full of shit. (http://www.clipsyndicate.com/video/playlist/3378/1035078?cpt=8&title=local_fb&wpid=1260) and what Memphis show would be complete without Prince Mongo! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jU6pGaGPEg) He's originally from the planet "Zambodia" and has almost won Mayor/Senate offices in the last 25 years of his running. He also said in last years debates, his way of dealing with crime was to give everyone Uzis. I wish I were joking. Herenton's interview with Reporter Joe Birch was especially fun when Birch asked normal questions, and Herenton turns every interview into Springer (http://www.commercialappeal.com/news/2009/aug/14/herenton-my-state-mind-real-good/ see the bottom quotes).

5) We hate your BBQ. We hold the International Competition, therefore we win. Every time.

6) We hate your idea of "time" or "being on time." We'll get to it eventually.

7) We hate not drinking. Sunday would be so much cooler if the liquor stores were open.

8) Did I mention we really don't like Graceland?

9) We don't much like tourists. Especially ones here for Elvis.

10) Beale St. would be better if the damn tourists weren't there. They always look like they think they'll be shot and uneasy at the amount of black people on the street.


All in all, we hate the show. We get the credit, but it makes us look cooler in some aspects, completely fabricated in others, and it's like a show about NYC filmed in Boston. So wrong.


Overall... we hate. ...the show. You bring it here, let us be extras, then you'll get off our shitlist jason lee... and we might even let you keep the elvis impersonator angle.

Black guy walks into a bar...

A black guy walks into a bar.
Bartender says,"We don't serve your kind."
Black guy says,"G'damn you, Rand Paul!"

Kentucky's latest Senatorial Republican Candidate Dr. Rand Paul's latest bullshit, avoid the direct question interview with Rachel Maddow is unbelievable in 2010. He is an advocate of all but one part of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 - business owner's choice of discrimination (race, color, creed, sexuality). But naturally, he compared walking into a bar being black with a firearm carrying patron about the same sorta deal.

Looks like a new equation can be created. Intelligent Design Believer's Danger Corollary "Baretta 9mm = Melanin."

Naturally, that's bullshit.

Assuming, Paul's ideas were to come into fruition. You'd walk into a bar with your black friend. Police officer would stop you.

"I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I brought my concealed negro in with me. Yes, officer, I have gone through the negro safety course. Honestly, sir, I thought I left my negro locked under the bed."


I've never been afraid of getting hit by melanin. No one has, except George W. in Haiti (see: Bush wiping hand on Clinton.) Someone walking into a bar with a holster full of pigment hasn't put my life in danger. "Ah shit, I just got hit with Blackness!"

Fucked up? Yes.

There's a certain point in politics, rhetoric - personal or public, that needs to be addressed. It's an absolute travesty and irresponsible that anyone in the public eye to should advocate this ideology with supporters at his back.

Though, his stance wanting to repeal the American Disabilities Act is a great idea. I've been after their parking spots for year. If you're in a wheel chair, what's that extra distance when you're rolling down the parking lot anyway.

New site overhaul!

Looks like my blog/site has gotten an impromptu overhaul.

I saw that blogger now has static page capabilities, so a new template was needed for that, which is an excellent move for the people at blogspot, because that had been an inferior design, as compared to WordPress.

WordPress is awesome and has widgets and support that blogger still would love to attain, but the Pages thing is awesome.

AAANND having a blog where you can change out the pictures and a flash type movey turntabley thing. I believe that is the technical phrase, depending on whether you're using joomla or druppel or whatever weird ass template to fit some weird ass Content Management System.

I don't typically geek out on here for the sake of geeking out without having jokes and a purpose. Ah yes, the purpose, I remember now....


All photos in the main header are from Caryn Loveless Photography except the "videos" photo, which was shot by Andy Bond from Livefrommemphis.com. The graphic design (rather "knockoff photoshop") was done by me, as I'm my own webmaster.

...but their camera stuffs, and we thank them. Thanks, Caryn and Mr. Bond.


I suspect I'll be doing more to the pages, so keep back. Also, I think I'll be answering FAQs for fun.


See ya in Alabama, Michigan, North Carolina, and the various pilot stations between here and there.

-Jane

Answer Dog FAQs.

I've decided to start answering different people's FAQs. I like my answers better.

These questions arbitrarily came from PetPeoplesPlace.com.

* Can Dogs Be Fed Carrots?

Yeah, but dude, you have a dog, not a rabbit. Stop being a pussy and feed him beef. Or the neighbor's kid.

* Can Dogs Be Fed Pork?

Yes, unless your canine is Hebrew. Good indication of this, check the lipstick - is it circumcised? Does he refuse to work on Saturdays? Does she say things like, "Bark Vey?"... If so, perhaps you have a Jack Russelstein Terrior.

* Can Dogs Watch TV?

Duh. It's when you train them to change the channel and grab you a beer do dogs really show their purpose in life.

* Why Is My Dog Foaming At The Mouth?

Because he's on heroin. You're a bad mother.

* Do Dogs Get Hiccups?

Yes, after they drink sprite too quickly.

* Ear Wax Build Up In Dogs

Ew gross. And that's not a question.

* Excessive Grass Eating In Dogs

Dude, get your dog out of my stash. And that wasn't a question.

* How Harmful Is Chewing Gum To Dogs?

Not very. They love Juicy Fruit.

* How To Resolve Constipation In Dogs

Hot cup of coffee and oat bran cereal.

* Why Does My Dog Snore And How Do I Stop It?

Because he's asleep. Breathe right strips may look funny, but they work.

* Can Human Laxatives Be Used On My Dog?

This is a trick question, right? Sounds like a great youtube video to me. "Projectile Shitting Dog!" - I'd totally watch that.

* Can Dogs Eat Cat Food?

It's not cat food I'd worry about. The first time you see your pooch eat a kitty doo doo loaf, it makes you want to vomit.

* Is Shivering An Indication Of Pain?

It's the DTs! I've told you, your dog has a heroin problem. Probably just needs a fix.

* Can Dogs Have An Abortion?

I don't think they have "Planned Puppyhood". If your smack addled dog doesn't quit that black tar, I'd seek out the "procedure' as a good option. You don't want to have little crack puppies stealing money out of your purse.

Thank you, come again.