Hotel Rooms

I live in hotel rooms for a good portion of the year and I've come to realize why it's not totally awesome. Sure, I've got someone to clean my room, wash my towels, free coffee and shampoo, but does that really out weigh the stigma of knowing this is your place for a few nights?

I love hearing stories of friends going to hotel rooms, it's always to the effect of,"Dude, we were so drunk in that hotel! That's when that crazy threesome happened on that comforter... watch for the spot! Then you know that nasty girl from the bar that Dave picked up had to get up mid coitus and puked all over the carpet! We totally got busted for smoking pot in the room... Man, I LOVE business trips!"

Stories like that encapsulate every reason why hotel rooms, high scale or hooker dens, are nasty, because everyone likes to ride it like you stole it.

So, I don't feel like I can kick my shoes off because of some preverbial drunk girl that puked on the floor.

I always have to just throw the top sheet aside, don't ask questions or reach for black lights. Hopefully the top sheet doesn't have too many cigarette burns in it from years of drug deals making the sheet look like a floral swiss cheese pattern.

I don't care if the place is nice or skeezy, I've still got the idea that under a black light, the room and the walls would look like a Jackson Pollack paiting or a 80s Spin Doctors video like someone just threw bodily functions on the wall. "Is that blood?"

I don't know if you realize it, but other people having sex, is up there on the top nasties. Number one way I know this, think of your parents. Yeah, fucking gross, right? I watch porn just like the next perv, but you know I go to those websites for the articles... Others copulating is most revolting outside of porn, hell, even within porn. There are still things I can't unsee, because not everyone getting their freak on look like Trevor Knight and Jenna Haze. You'll see couples walking down the hall, showing PDA, while looking like Peter Griffin and Rosie O'Donnell.

So my point is, I think hotels would be cool to live in if you didn't have sex in them before I lay down. Despite all the nice emenities of a pool and a work out room, I can't fully be comfortable because I usually fall asleep with these thoughts of what has been here before me, a softball player and lumberjack convention orgy in the place where I'm trying to relax and masturbate.