Questions: Lupus

LUPUS FAQs answered. I'm in no way qualified, but it's fun.


1) My friend just found out she has lupus. I spend a lot of time with her. Is it like AIDS? Is it contagious? Could I catch it from her?

Yes, it's exactly like AIDS only so much more hilarious. Lupus actually ran rampant in the gay community in the 70s. Most people think Freddy Mercury died from AIDS. Not true. It was too much lupus in his system and when doctors told him he and his partner died laughing at the name.


2) We just found out my sister has lupus. My sister's doctor said she needs to see a specialist. What kind of doctor takes care of that?

I recommend a Witch Doctor. Or perhaps Doctor Robert from the Beatles' song, because all you have to do take a drink from his special cup, helping everyone in need. No one can succeed like Doctor Robert. Therefore it's like socialized medicine and he's really good at his job. Be my friend and I'll said you called.


3) What's the deal with lupus and the wolf and butterfly? Why are these used as symbols/references?

Because a frail dying person isn't good marketing.



4) I was diagnosed with lupus 10 years ago, but I haven't had a flare since then, and haven't shown any symptoms. Am I cured?

No, you're still a freak.

5) I hate taking medicine. I only take my lupus meds when I start to feel bad, or if I feel like I'm going to have a flare. Isn't this as good as taking my meds all the time?


You're sorta stupid, aren't you? No it's not. But marijuana makes you feel like you have taken your meds. In my opinion, it's pretty much the same thing.


So hang on, lupey, lupey hang on.


(Not meant to offend the lupus patients of america, but if I did, leave an angry comment and I'll probably laugh at you.)

Answer Dog FAQs.

I've decided to start answering different people's FAQs. I like my answers better.

These questions arbitrarily came from PetPeoplesPlace.com.

* Can Dogs Be Fed Carrots?

Yeah, but dude, you have a dog, not a rabbit. Stop being a pussy and feed him beef. Or the neighbor's kid.

* Can Dogs Be Fed Pork?

Yes, unless your canine is Hebrew. Good indication of this, check the lipstick - is it circumcised? Does he refuse to work on Saturdays? Does she say things like, "Bark Vey?"... If so, perhaps you have a Jack Russelstein Terrior.

* Can Dogs Watch TV?

Duh. It's when you train them to change the channel and grab you a beer do dogs really show their purpose in life.

* Why Is My Dog Foaming At The Mouth?

Because he's on heroin. You're a bad mother.

* Do Dogs Get Hiccups?

Yes, after they drink sprite too quickly.

* Ear Wax Build Up In Dogs

Ew gross. And that's not a question.

* Excessive Grass Eating In Dogs

Dude, get your dog out of my stash. And that wasn't a question.

* How Harmful Is Chewing Gum To Dogs?

Not very. They love Juicy Fruit.

* How To Resolve Constipation In Dogs

Hot cup of coffee and oat bran cereal.

* Why Does My Dog Snore And How Do I Stop It?

Because he's asleep. Breathe right strips may look funny, but they work.

* Can Human Laxatives Be Used On My Dog?

This is a trick question, right? Sounds like a great youtube video to me. "Projectile Shitting Dog!" - I'd totally watch that.

* Can Dogs Eat Cat Food?

It's not cat food I'd worry about. The first time you see your pooch eat a kitty doo doo loaf, it makes you want to vomit.

* Is Shivering An Indication Of Pain?

It's the DTs! I've told you, your dog has a heroin problem. Probably just needs a fix.

* Can Dogs Have An Abortion?

I don't think they have "Planned Puppyhood". If your smack addled dog doesn't quit that black tar, I'd seek out the "procedure' as a good option. You don't want to have little crack puppies stealing money out of your purse.

Thank you, come again.