Things your local stand up comic doesn't want to hear.

I am a stand up comic. Sometimes I don't feel I've had much of decision in doing stand up and being apart of that community - it just happened like teenage pregnancy. People could go off into the new-agey attitude of "it's your calling" or ones destiny, perhaps, but I never really look at it that way. It's just something I decided to do, as much as other people are musicians or writers or teachers or scientists or procreaters or church goers or what have you.

Being a comic, I don't actually think that people give us nearly the respect we deserve as being hard working or think we have a legitimate job that only a select few are capable of doing, much less actually being good at. After a little more than four years of performing and damn near ten years of researching and following the art, I've come to some conclusions based on oh-so many conversations I've had with people about stand up comedy. So, as a gift to society, I've compiled a list of moronic ideas we hear over and over again, which proves our mental superiority and other peoples shear ignorance.


1. "My favorite comic is..." or Professional Ignorance.

When talking to people from shows, this topic often comes up. This is where you find out what the level of your comedy audience is or was. Especially in rednecky parts of the country or college campuses, the line "My favorite comic is..." is often proceeded by names like Larry the cable Guy, Dane Cook, or Carlos Mencia. Typically, what the person in front of you looks like will give you some indication as to what professional hack with which they most identify. Every time someone says one of those names, a comic moves away from LA and goes back to their 9-5 job in their hometown.

When it comes to the profession of comedy, saying one of those names is like calling US Weekly or Guns & Ammo your favorite novel.

To fix this, simply go to your local comedy club, ask the comics who they're favorites are and research. Then maybe next time you'll sound enlightened by listing people such as Bill Hicks, Robert Hawkins, Ron Shock or my personal favorite, Greg Proops.

2. "I was just trying to help you out..."

The ol' heckler misconception. If you ever say this to a comic, please go home and shoot yourself. The idea of heckling is really a faux pas. In the 80s, a lot of comedians relied on audience interaction and had no real act. Nowadays, it's still in people's minds to heckle, despite the fact the majority of the time, the performer has written material a set amount of time, and none of it involves you.

If you must heckle, ask yourself this - am I capable of driving home without getting pulled over for drunken driving? Am I a bachelorette with any sort of penis paraphernalia on my person or at my table? Was I about to say 'git 'r done'? If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, don't speak. You're a nuisance, we've heard it before, and yes, please do shoot yourself.

3. "Do you know who you remind me of?"

The answer to this, is do I care? That answer is no. Unless it's someone brilliant, walk away.

...and shoot yourself.

4. "My friends think I'm funny."

Fantastic, then go down to the open mic and sign up. Don't detract away from my time of day by saying something to me that proves nothing. Besides, you're probably not and you're friends are probably wrong. If you decide to do comedy, chances are they'll be the only ones laughing. I've seen it too many times. That's about as disrespectable as going up to Itzhak Pearlman and saying,"Hey dude, I play a mean fiddle too, let me go out on the road with you." Not that the majority of people who say this would know who Itzhak Pearlman was...

5. "You should use that in your act."

Again, no I shouldn't. You use it in your act. The story about your homophobia going into a gay bar or that street joke I heard 15 years ago is not worth my performance time, but you go ahead.

6. "You're a comic? Tell me something from your act!"

You would think people would have enough respect to leave this one alone. To do a joke from your act at a bar or in a bank line or at church is always weird and awkward. This is not the same setting, and I'm not getting paid. Comedy is still a stage show. When you're off work from writing or driving or contacting bookers, sometimes you don't want to think about it any more. Besides, talk to us long enough, chances are, we'll run a joke or idea by you eventually, we're quite shifty like that.

7. "Stick with it!"

Sigh... because I planned to stop? I'm glad Billy the Drunky Guy in the audience is now doing the evaluating of comedy. When we say "Thank you" to this after having stuck with it for years, it really means, "Seriously, please go shoot yourself."

8. "Bill Cosby never used profanity."

Last time I checked, my name isn't Bill Cosby. But you know who did use profanity? Sam Kinison, Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Redd Foxx, Richard Pryor, Mitch Hedberg... and pretty much every other fun adult humor oriented comic since. The people in America curse everyday. Shit, I did it just now. It's a personal choice, and if it's not your cup of tea, then it's not. Just remember cursing does exist in the vernacular of the majority of our culture; a comic is speaking with the tone and linguistic propensity they are most comfortable with while communicating our brand of humor to you.

9. "Being a comic must be so fun."

Comedy has it's moments of being the greatest thing ever. It also has it's moments of being the most soul sucking creature to walk this earth since Karl Rove. You must travel all the time, keyword there is the imperative, which can be awesome when you're going to a cool place, but when you find yourself in a place like Prestonburg, Kentucky, you think otherwise. Not enough people realize the hardship that being on the road can be. Drinking to access is as much networking as imbibery. We are advertisements for more booze. We eat fast food for weeks at a time, hurting our health. Morgan Spurlock did it for fun, we do it out of necessity. Vegetables and vitamins aren't always on the agenda. Oil changes and new tires happen in a ridiculously short time. Not getting paid from establishments and bookers, getting fired for small infractions of fascists managers, politics, social networking, self marketing, trying to get on tv, trying to get into festivals, getting CDs or t-shirts printed, restocking your promo packs,... AAAHHHHH!!!!

Oh yeah, we write jokes too. And we're not even going to talk about bombing. And people wonder why comics can be a little weird.


10. "You're not that funny."

I'm still a (mostly) nice person. And I've put years of hard work and thought into being this unfunny. I appreciate your feedback and I'll try again tomorrow. But really, as we've established, you're probably not that good of an audience member or comedy connoisseur - so there. I hope you go home tonight, find your rifle and some hollow points and yes, please do leave me be and go shoot yourself.