So, you're interested in a relationship....

I don't know how or when I was deemed "relationship" expert by friends but I have. I feel like Greg Behrendt! Today I've spent about 5 hours talking about the damn things. Some of them mine, past, present and future, other people's seriousness and break up and limited knowledge and mentor. Pretty much every sort of relationship with several people and none did I instigate. (BTW, if you were apart of those convos, I'm in no way angry at you and none of this is directed at one person. Just general themes I saw re-occur throughout the time.)

My credentials?

The longest any sort of regular relationship I've had lasted 6 months, and I only saw that guy between about 2am and 10am...

So what I know? Not a lot, but still, people make illogical decisions and slight people for stupid reasons.



Here's what I think I know, should you ask.

1) Casual sex happens. It can be a lot of fun. Just make sure you both are clear on what you are in for. During casual sex, booty calls, friends with benefits, insignificant others and he-bitches/she-bitches a few guidelines should be held.

a) There should be no talk about how you want kids, "no one will marry you", and definitely NO CRYING about your ex. All that leads to pity fucks and you might end up with someone who sticks around for you while you've move on and all you really need is a therapist and not a sexual partner.

b) Do not enter a casual sex relationship if you have talked mad shit about the person to your friends or to their face. You are then using that person and therefore, a piece of shit.

c) Make sure you are not in some sort of relationship, or the other person you are hooking up with doesn't think you are in a relationship, either way, you have "casual sex" and that's cheating, making you a piece of shit.

d) If you are on a date with someone else, tell your casual sex partner. It's way easier for you to tell them immediately, then letting them find out down the road when they think you've been exclusive about it all.

e) First time around, don't ask for anal. Don't hook up with someone is naive for your own gain, you piece of shit.

f) Don't get anyone pregnant! For christ sakes, there are tons of free condoms to be had. They're not expensive. Use them, dumbshits. This rule especially applies under casual sex. Don't assume anyone is on birth control, because birth control doesn't always work well with a woman's body. Also, in a day and age where health care prices are rising and not everyone is insured, sometimes a doctors visit/expense of the pill is not a valid option.

g) Always, always, always use a condom. Always. If not only for f) but also for stds. You don't want to get self-conscious hearing the phrase "clap it up!" and think,"I already have."

h) Tell your friends that it's happening. Not out of gossip, but out of the sake of hey, I've been there, you might want to know. Also, tell them if it's breaking man-code/girl-code if they hook up with that same person.

2) Calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Sometimes casual sex turns into that. One day you realize that hey, I want to see only this person. See this person during the day, even. Maybe bring them out into a well lit bar instead of the local dive you can take quasimoto in, feed her pbr's until she gives it up, and none of your friends noticed her wretchedness because half of the lamps are out.

In that relationship, again, guidelines.

a) F is a little more complicated here. Getting someone pregnant no matter how much you "think you love each other" is a bad idea before you get married, that is if you believe in it. You don't know if you can stand each other yet. Wait through a few really bad life changing events for you both. If you handle it separately and together well, then you might have something. There is nothing more life changing than a child. And if you break up afterwards, you've already made the kids life more difficult than you should because you both were irresponsible.

b) G still applies. Especially, if one part cheats. There is no worse way of finding out you're bf/gf is cheating on you by finding herpes.

c) DON'T move in together. Give it a year or two. If you're getting a significant other for cheaper rent and half the bills, then avoid the drama and get a roommate. Craigslist is free. Having your own place to call sanctuary is essential. Especially if you find out you fight. Also, it's another place to hook up and have sex. Different apartments and houses have different furniture arrangements, and different countertop placements for random obstacle sex. It's sort of like doing bmx trials, but you're getting ass.

d) Make sure you know how serious your relationship is. Don't talk about marriage in the first month, you biological clock having freak. Communication is the key. And make sure you're not getting into a relationship to make anyone jealous or as a rebound. And don't take previous relationship baggage and automatically assume the next person will do it to you. If they do, then maybe it's your choice in guys.

e) There is a fine line between jealousy and being right. You know your patterns, watch out when they change for the worse. If they don't change back, either there's a break up is coming or maybe a cheater. Both possible. Either way, it's probably for the best.

f) When a relationship ends, I'm sorry, buddy. That sucks, but if they didn't want to be there... let them go. Good riddance. Looks like you get the remote back.

3) Marriage. All I have to say, is stop fucking this institution up. Why get married if you weren't that committed? It's way easier to break off everything else than this. But no, you had to bring legal documents and jewelry into because some sort of social standard that you thought you had to get married. Don't be a dumbass, don't bite off more than you can chew.

On the other hand, those who make marriages work, shine on you crazy diamond. I don't know anything about it.


4) Being absolutely single. Yeah it can get lonely, but there's porn. You don't have to change shit, you have your own schedule. You can do a one night stand and then be on your way and don't have to deal with any of the other bs that your peers are dealing with. If you don't want to be single, and you're all like "I don't know why I am... I want this, I want that..." boo. Seriously, you've offended me already, loser. Just go be you, love yourself for you and be confident. The rest will follow. Sometimes, it's best to stay here.



Bottom line... treat other people with respect, honesty and you are in the clear - mentally and with a jury of your peers. Never underestimate - Do unto others as they would do unto you.