Sex, Nude Pics and Vids Guidelines for the Inept (Or Carrie Prejean)

Despite having a stage name close to that of a popular pornstar, I'm no sex goddess (outside of my own head) or have very little sense of what makes good erotica for others to consume. I hear the robot or the stanky leg aren't really a popular pole dance stylings.

Regardless, I get play and am always baffled when I get the question of "do you have naked pictures?"

For the majority, the answer is always no, which should prolly be one of the first guidelines. That will the preamble, although, if you do find yourself needing to send off sexual media, whether it be pictures or video, here are few tips. This, naturally, is inspired by the keenly intellectual, perceptive, Mensa presidential candidate Carrie Prejean's almost unbelievable handicapped reaction to her leaked sex tape.... So Carrie, this is dedicated to you.


1. If I guy says "I won't show (said media) to anyone. I promise!", we know from the Male-Defecant Theory that states, "All guys are full of shit.", that this will inevitably be a lie.

2. Never send media to someone with an iPhone. Especially if they are pictures, they are so easy to show off, whether the visual recipient is willing or it's a surprise. I don't know how many road hoes I've seen on friends phones while flipping through fun pics and then, titty!

3. Guys like nude pics. No really. It's different then perusing online porn, because they know you. They really, really like nude pics. Unless it's a pic of you with some other dude's cock in your mouth. His penis in your mouth is fine.

4. If you have funky genitalia (ie an extra vagina, hermaphroditic properties, interesting looking breasts) or have an oddly shaped body (ie misproportioned, extremely obese, emaciated), don't be surprised when you find yourself on lapdances-for-lapbands.com or nastytitties.net.

5.If you're job is to be sexy, or sell sex, and you produce a sex video, chances are your calling was to suck a dick on camera rather than trying to be a dense anti-gay rights spokesperson. Instead of interviews to defend your lack of judgement and show the world your horrible debating skills, you should probably just leave the studio and suck a dick.

6. After being caught, dont say it was a mistake. Setting up camera angles, blocking, lightening, hiding dirty laundry in the background, choosing matching undergarments is a production. Productions are a lot of works for a mistake. Even the Blair Witch Project never called it's production a mistake.... because it was intentional!!

7. Unless you have blackmail on your recipient, don't be surprised that it gets out to his friends. I suggest getting compromising photos of him being on the receiving end of anal sex. No typical man would want that out in the public, keeping your bare ass out of the public.

8. If your parents see your nekkid media, then deny it. Deny it like your denying paternity on the Maury show. And if you can't, then bring up their sex toy collection.

9. If your vid/pics get viral, go ahead and capitalize! Get a sponsor. Like Trojan, KY, Viagra, gerber.

And finally...

10. You should never give your naked media to anyone who isn't awesome in bed. If they are, no amount of repercussion will matter. And I hope you get a call back. When questions come back to you, you can always answer, "what? I was away and he fucks like a champ!" Ain't no shame ladies, do yo' thang...


Now quit whining, Mz. Prejean, you'd prolly be better off if you'd quit using those vocal cords and just go suck a dick, which you're prolly better at than using your brain.