The Jane Hazed Experience

Hotel Rooms

2011-04-08T14:39:00.002-05:00

I live in hotel rooms for a good portion of the year and I've come to realize why it's not totally awesome. Sure, I've got someone to clean my room, wash my towels, free coffee and shampoo, but does that really out weigh the stigma of knowing this is your place for a few nights?

I love hearing stories of friends going to hotel rooms, it's always to the effect of,"Dude, we were so drunk in that hotel! That's when that crazy threesome happened on that comforter... watch for the spot! Then you know that nasty girl from the bar that Dave picked up had to get up mid coitus and puked all over the carpet! We totally got busted for smoking pot in the room... Man, I LOVE business trips!"

Stories like that encapsulate every reason why hotel rooms, high scale or hooker dens, are nasty, because everyone likes to ride it like you stole it.

So, I don't feel like I can kick my shoes off because of some preverbial drunk girl that puked on the floor.

I always have to just throw the top sheet aside, don't ask questions or reach for black lights. Hopefully the top sheet doesn't have too many cigarette burns in it from years of drug deals making the sheet look like a floral swiss cheese pattern.

I don't care if the place is nice or skeezy, I've still got the idea that under a black light, the room and the walls would look like a Jackson Pollack paiting or a 80s Spin Doctors video like someone just threw bodily functions on the wall. "Is that blood?"

I don't know if you realize it, but other people having sex, is up there on the top nasties. Number one way I know this, think of your parents. Yeah, fucking gross, right? I watch porn just like the next perv, but you know I go to those websites for the articles... Others copulating is most revolting outside of porn, hell, even within porn. There are still things I can't unsee, because not everyone getting their freak on look like Trevor Knight and Jenna Haze. You'll see couples walking down the hall, showing PDA, while looking like Peter Griffin and Rosie O'Donnell.

So my point is, I think hotels would be cool to live in if you didn't have sex in them before I lay down. Despite all the nice emenities of a pool and a work out room, I can't fully be comfortable because I usually fall asleep with these thoughts of what has been here before me, a softball player and lumberjack convention orgy in the place where I'm trying to relax and masturbate.

De-baiting the issues

2010-11-30T22:48:00.002-06:00

Did you know, bitches is crazy? Like for realz.

He ain't heavy, he's my muslim

2010-09-07T03:10:00.000-05:00

I read an article today (http://english.aljazeera.net/news/asia/2010/09/2010973657442887.html) about a bunch of Christian nutjobs in Florida planning a book burning on 9/11. Not any book burning, a burning of the Qu'ran. Firstly, when did we get to this point in America? I understand we, as Americans, like explosions and fires - otherwise the Expendables wouldn't have been made. I love watching things get blown up or bonfires! However, burning holy books is such a bad idea. I don't care who you are, what country you live in or what book it is. It could be the Wiccan prayer bible or Anton Levey's creation, when it comes down to religious books, especially if they attract extremism, don't do it, fucknut. Religion is the backbone of individuals souls. Clearly, people live and die for what they believe in.

The Park 51 thing just made white people scared. Instead of a "mega mosque", I propose we build something that would include meeting spaces, meditation rooms, a spa, basketball court, swimming pool, auditorium, and classrooms offering everything from digital photography to language classes, all open to the public. The entire facility would also be green and include a garden.Wait... that's what was going to be built there. It's not a mega-mosque, it was a muslim version of a YMCA, minus the gay men hanging out in the locker room.

I've seen the claims of saying how Imam Feisal Rauf is apart of this whole conspiracy to do [insert paranoid, xenophobic bullshit here] and comparing him to Talibani muslims.

Check this out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Divisions_of_Islam.png
That is the divisions of Islam.

Imam Rauf is Sufi. The Taliban is Wahhabi. Cat Stevens is Deobandi. Just to put it all into context. If accusing the entire Muslim world because of some Wahhabi fucks didn't get enough pussy is going to jade your ideas on 1/5th of the WORLD's population, then you're a moron. Sorry, but you are. Because "Peace Train" is completely opposite of "Death to the Infidels!!!" Just saying. The tune isn't as catchy either. "Death to the Infidels" is way more punk rock as opposed to "Peace Train"'s mellow, folky style. You can't really mosh to it.

The idea of thinking one denomination represents it all, is like some kid in China thinking all of Americans must be Mormons, because he met some annoying dude on a bicycle knock on his door one day talking about the Church of Latter Day Saints. Last time I checked, I'm on a different end of that Christianity/Protestant spectrum.

It's all good, we don't need the Fox News Islamic Cultural Center anyway (the biggest invester in the center is Rupert Murdoch's partner, if you hadn't heard) - a little ironic, don't you think?

However, I bet you could probably have a 9/11 concert, right at Ground Zero with comedy from Dave Chappelle and music of Mosdef with T-Pain's stupid ass autotuning it all, with special appearances by Shaquille O'Neil and it sell out. That should happen, because no one would ever try to boycott *those* muslims.

Movies/tv things that should go:

2010-08-25T18:38:00.001-05:00

I feel there's a lack of creativity in the writing of movies and tv. Studios know you're going to buy or at least go see certain things, but I don't particularly care about because of your shitty predictable taste, I get penalized. So, here are a few different things that we should just skip in hopes of something new.

1. Superhero movies - noooo more new ones. I'm done. There are so many superhero movies that no superhero seems super any more. It's hard to suspend disbelief when you know in another film you saw last week has another power that could totally defeat or is the same one. Like The Hulk vs. The Thing. Or Pyro vs. the Human Torch. Iron Man vs. Batman.

And seriously, no more Batman for another 20 years, please? I liked the Adam West re-runs and then Michael Keaton... I've had too many different Batmans in my time. Two Jokers is already too many.

2. Kid shows turned into films - Transformers, you dirty whore. You sucked. Your acting sucks. Your plot sucks. Taking transformers out of the cartoon was sooo bad. Now they're going to do another Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. There were 3 of those movies in the last 20 years. At least three. In fact, the second one is one of my top ten movies of all time, however, we don't need more.

3. Michael Cera - Oh god this kid sucks. I have no interest in him. He bores me, I'd fall asleep if he started walking towards me. Who gave him credit to keep being in films? The guy in Zombieland was a better nerd actor not to far removed from him, but didn't want me to hit an emo nerd in the face. I get weird and awkward, duh, it's me, but can someone just give this kid some pussy so he'll grow a backbone. Or take him out to the desert, give him some acid, then let him ride around with a biker gang that tries to initiate him by beatings. If he doesn't live, well, hey, we tried, but if he comes back maybe he'd seem more interestingly geeky.

4. Cop shows - I avoid cops whenever possible. Why do I want to watch what they do? I get it, there are bad guys out there. People do bad things. Sometimes cops are wrong. Sometimes they're right and bad guys still get away. I've gotten almost every episode plot like without going into the soap opera that is layered on it. Law & Order SVU should have been called the rape series, which still didn't make it more interesting. However, when Stewie was on, that was pretty cool.

5. Lawyer dramas - they're either Perry Mason and/or Ally McBeal. Perry Mason is better than ambien. Ally McBeal was alright, but again, that shows done, why bring it back.

6. Doctor shows - soap operas in hospitals don't excite me any more than being in a hospital. In fact, I'd rather just wait in an emergency room lobby. If there's a hot doctor at the local ER, at least I'd really have a chance to talk to him and not be a voyeur, fawning week to week over a douchey actor that had the luck of being the front man for good writers.

7. Ben Stiller - go away! You're dad was funny. Yes, you're super buff, but you're still ugly and not talented. With the exception of Zoolander, everything else you've messed up. Neurotic douche isn't funny. It just makes the scene longer. Stop talking out all your questions and then when you hit a point of questioning the other persons logic, the pause, "um..." while looking up thing really gets on my nerves. Don't have any kids in your films, they might grow up to act like you. Too bad the movies your in usually have really good actors. Damn you, Ben Stiller, that's a catch-22.

8. Long Commercial breaks - I will smack you, TBS, TNT and all those other channels that feel you've got to do 5-7 minutes of commercials every 10 minutes during a movie. Put it at the end or maybe a block at the end of the hour. I don't watch tv in the first place, and hulu is shorter, if you want me to keep relying on tv for movie viewing, you've got to understand, there are other options. Commercials are out of hand and they're loud, obnoxious, and usually break up my attention span. Well, I *wanted* to see that movie, but you no what doesn't have commercial breaks? Porn. Porn wins again, TBS. You lose and I doubly win.

If we eliminated all these things (with the exception of long commercial breaks) for about 15 years or so, they'd come back and they might be entertaining again. As it is, you're really running film and tv for me. I'm selfish, but it's been done before. Move on.

5th grade writing prompt!

2010-08-11T02:23:00.001-05:00

I like answering fifth grade writing prompts. This I feel was a fun one to answer.

Your family has just moved to a country where you don’t speak the language. What will you do to get through the first week of school?

If I moved to a place country that didn't speak English, being an American, the most logical thing to do, is give the teacher a blanket with small pox. They don't understand what you're saying, so they'll take it as a gift on face value.

Then when the teacher dies or becomes ill, that's when you take over the class, because the hierarchy has fallen apart. You then inform all the other students that you are now in charge, and they will communicate with you as you'd like to communicate - in English. Some will resist, so you bring in movies and cartoons that are fun to watch, ie the Simpsons, and demand they watch that to help learn the language.

Eventually, between positive and negative reinforcement, you'll have the majority speaking your language in no time.

Guide to Being a (not so successful) Player

2010-08-07T19:10:00.000-05:00

So you're looking to cheat on your girlfriend, or the girl you've convinced that she is your girlfriend. This is the process that most of you follow when looking for such affairs.

1) Find nights to go out without your girlfriend. This is the perfect time to lie about that. Find an alibi no one will check, like "I've got the kid this weekend" or "I've got to work" or "I'm going out of town." The busier your life appears to be, the better this works! This is the first of many lies you'll need to avoid confrontation later. If you say it enough, it becomes their truth.

2) On those nights while out, find the girl you'd like to hook up with. She may or may not be interested, but get her number, text her a lot. When you run into her, give her attention and ask why you haven't gone on dates yet. She'll eventually give in, because who doesn't like free food.

3) Finally, the other girl goes on a date with you. Never say you're with anyone now. Any other girl you have on the booty call list will simply be friends or you used to see that person. Saying you "used to see" someone is not completely a lie, you're not seeing that person right now, because she's not on the date with you. Semantics win again!

4) While on the date, text your girlfriend, say that you miss her and wish you were there with her. She'll go "aww..." and you'll be a champ with her.

5) Have sex with the new chick. The next day, make sure you text her again with post-game niceties, like "That was amazing." "I had fun last night." etc. Wait a day or so, then ask for a new date, but make sure you have a few days in between possibly a week, because you have to plan for the next step.

6) Take your girlfriend out to dinner the next night. Do it up nice and fancy. If you've never brought flowers, then that's a tell, but if you have, this is a perfect reason. Oh, and you don't even have to bother on changing your sheets. What are you, a decent guy? Prolly not, so, don't worry about it. She won't know that there's other DNA on the sheets if you don't tell her. Also, while on date with girlfriend, make sure you tell her how beautiful she is, she'll fall for you even more. And cuddle in the morning - another sure fire sign that nothing is wrong.

7) Don't forget! Kept texting the mistress. You're an even bigger pimp if you do it while on the date with the girlfriend. Make sure you say, "I wish I was with you tonight. But like I said, I've got work." Working on that ass!

8) Okay, you can avoid the girlfriend and blow her off for a few days. Sheesh. She's so needy.

9) Get back out there, playa, you've got new ass to take care of! Repeat steps 4-7. Make sure texts or convos you have with both ladies you tell them how much they're needed and how much you want them. Especially when the new girl starts getting suspicious, tell her, "I want to be with you." That'll stop that for a few days.

10) Now, the new chick is getting needy and won't stop trying to call you. Why would she ever think that she's you're girlfriend? I mean, you've already got one of those. Start from the beginnng. Repeat all steps.

11) Oh shit, the girls know about each other. And they're really pissed, why do they think you liked them so much?

12) Repeat step 1 again, except this time, go to the bar with your drinking buddies or really go out of town. Bitches are annoying. When you come back, hopefully, they'll be over you. Go to the chick that seems less mad. AVoidance is such an easy way to end things. Now, start the process all over again.

....and scene....

And the moral of the story is 1) don't lie. If there are others, tell your partner. and 2) if it's about sex, keep it to sex. Don't do compliments or say that someone is needed. They'll believe you.

Follow the last two, you'll probably get it a lot longer. Girls are way more open minded. We're also fairly vicious to one another, so you don't, chances are you're going to have an Ellin/Tiger scenario, while her other girlfriend is bumping Jazmine Sullivan while she's vandalizing your vehicle.

Questions: Lupus

2010-07-09T19:48:00.001-05:00

LUPUS FAQs answered. I'm in no way qualified, but it's fun.

1) My friend just found out she has lupus. I spend a lot of time with her. Is it like AIDS? Is it contagious? Could I catch it from her?

Yes, it's exactly like AIDS only so much more hilarious. Lupus actually ran rampant in the gay community in the 70s. Most people think Freddy Mercury died from AIDS. Not true. It was too much lupus in his system and when doctors told him he and his partner died laughing at the name.

2) We just found out my sister has lupus. My sister's doctor said she needs to see a specialist. What kind of doctor takes care of that?

I recommend a Witch Doctor. Or perhaps Doctor Robert from the Beatles' song, because all you have to do take a drink from his special cup, helping everyone in need. No one can succeed like Doctor Robert. Therefore it's like socialized medicine and he's really good at his job. Be my friend and I'll said you called.

3) What's the deal with lupus and the wolf and butterfly? Why are these used as symbols/references?

Because a frail dying person isn't good marketing.

4) I was diagnosed with lupus 10 years ago, but I haven't had a flare since then, and haven't shown any symptoms. Am I cured?

No, you're still a freak.

5) I hate taking medicine. I only take my lupus meds when I start to feel bad, or if I feel like I'm going to have a flare. Isn't this as good as taking my meds all the time?

You're sorta stupid, aren't you? No it's not. But marijuana makes you feel like you have taken your meds. In my opinion, it's pretty much the same thing.

So hang on, lupey, lupey hang on.

(Not meant to offend the lupus patients of america, but if I did, leave an angry comment and I'll probably laugh at you.)

Ten Ways to Die while at the Master's Golf Course in Augusta

2010-07-03T05:50:00.002-05:00

This past Wednesday, I was in Augusta, GA. It's a one trick town. Their main claim to fame and tourism is the PGA Master's Tournament. For whatever reason, the idea of epic deaths in Augusta came to mind - I use the phrase "epic" fairly facetiously, as none would compare to the scale of being gored by the running of the bulls in Pamplona, but your get the idea. So...

Ten Ways to Die while at the Master's Golf Course in Augusta

1. Make epic speech to the world and throw yourself off the Nelson Bridge into Rae's Creek.

2. Fling yourself in front of an unsuspecting and oblivious, high speed golf cart.

3. Cheat on Ellin Woods.

4. Throw golf balls into Ike's Pond until you piss of a gator. When he runs out of the water continue throwing balls at him. Wait for him to feed on you.

5. Take a bullhorn to the green and heckle unsuspecting rich douchebags with it while they're about to take the shot. The more serious they are about their game the better. Remember, Georgia is very pro carry. Wait for gun fire.

6. Get bitten by a rabid course squirrel.

7. Start a fight with a gang of golfers. Get beaten to death by assorted irons, woods and drivers.

8. Snort lines of Chem-lawn chemicals.

9. Bath in the Par Three Fountain with a plugged in toaster.

10. Watch the entire Master's Tournament and die from boredom.

CALENDAR

2010-07-01T00:10:00.007-05:00

* Preston Station Comedy Zone - Prestonsburg, KY
The Heritage House Hotel
Thursday, April 14 at 8:00pm
http://www.myspace.com/prestonstationcomedyzone/

* Petoskey, MI
City Park Bar and Grill
Saturday, May 14 at 8:00pm

* Toledo, OH
Connxtions Comedy Club
Thurs-Sat, May 26-28 at 8:00pm
http://www.connxtionscomedyclub.com/

* Lynchburg, VA
Comedy Zone
Fri/Sat, June 3-4 at 8:00pm
http://www.comedyzone-lynchburg.com/

* New Cumberland, PA
Comedy Zone at Doc Hollidays
Fri/Sat, June 10/11 a 8:00pm
http://www.harrisburgcomedyzone.com/

* Myrtle Beach, SC
Comedy Zone
Fri/Sat, August 5/6 at 8:00pm

Memphis hates you Memphis Beat

2010-06-23T20:53:00.001-05:00

Memphis is a good place to live, bitch and hate. Former Mayor Herenton's slogan was "shake the haters off" (http://www.allbusiness.com/humanities-social-science/visual-performing-arts/11867857-1.html), but if we did that, who would be around? Maybe a few clergy people and altar guild church members around town.

Memphis Beat's inaccuracies are going to make the Memphis Hater's association en masse be prevalant.

A few things we hate.

1) Elvis. And Elvis impersonators.

Seriously, you show up in Elvis attire being from elsewhere, we might stab you. We're 2nd in the nation on that, so I wouldn't try it. If you want to be happy with music, I suggest be an Otis Redding, Sam Jackson, Justin Timberlake, Cybil Shephard, Isaac Hayes or Aretha Franklin impersonator. You'd get more mad props.

2) Scenes not in Memphis shot in other more prosperous and loved cities - i.e. NOLA.

The music video for "Memphis Beat" has a House of Blues in it. Um... we don't have one. We've got a Hard Rock. We've got a Coyote Ugly. We've got B.B. Kings. No H.o.B. Why pretend we have something that is a sign of local economic prosperity, when we couldn't sustain that if we wanted. Maybe at the casinos in Tunica, but that's about it.

They could have gone to the ghetto where they play real blues and use that as a location.

3) The MPD.

No one on the MPD is as hapless as DJ Qualls. Not that skinny. If that kid went to the ghetto, he'd be laughed at overpowered and possible held hostage just because it'd be easy and convenient too. Granted the MPD is a large organization, but my favorite MPD guy is an Iraq war vet and a socialist. Where's that?

We don't hate all the MPD, in fact, I like the guys who are "off duty/undercover" that hang out at Alex's till 6am playing cards and turning a blind eye to the coke deals and hooking that goes on, in order to make sure no fights go on. But if that made it to the show, Alex's Tavern wouldnt be open till all hours of the morning. Maybe that should happen...

4) Memphis Politics

Our politcs are a mockery. Corruption. Drinking. Stupid quotes! Steve Cohen is the only decent guy that we can talk about without having to apologize for them. A few other peeps that need caricatures:

Janis Fullilove! Drinker and driver! Likes to cry on camera when she knows she's full of shit. (http://www.clipsyndicate.com/video/playlist/3378/1035078?cpt=8&title=local_fb&wpid=1260) and what Memphis show would be complete without Prince Mongo! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jU6pGaGPEg) He's originally from the planet "Zambodia" and has almost won Mayor/Senate offices in the last 25 years of his running. He also said in last years debates, his way of dealing with crime was to give everyone Uzis. I wish I were joking. Herenton's interview with Reporter Joe Birch was especially fun when Birch asked normal questions, and Herenton turns every interview into Springer (http://www.commercialappeal.com/news/2009/aug/14/herenton-my-state-mind-real-good/ see the bottom quotes).

5) We hate your BBQ. We hold the International Competition, therefore we win. Every time.

6) We hate your idea of "time" or "being on time." We'll get to it eventually.

7) We hate not drinking. Sunday would be so much cooler if the liquor stores were open.

8) Did I mention we really don't like Graceland?

9) We don't much like tourists. Especially ones here for Elvis.

10) Beale St. would be better if the damn tourists weren't there. They always look like they think they'll be shot and uneasy at the amount of black people on the street.

All in all, we hate the show. We get the credit, but it makes us look cooler in some aspects, completely fabricated in others, and it's like a show about NYC filmed in Boston. So wrong.

Overall... we hate. ...the show. You bring it here, let us be extras, then you'll get off our shitlist jason lee... and we might even let you keep the elvis impersonator angle.

Black guy walks into a bar...

2010-05-20T00:24:00.005-05:00

A black guy walks into a bar.
Bartender says,"We don't serve your kind."
Black guy says,"G'damn you, Rand Paul!"

Kentucky's latest Senatorial Republican Candidate Dr. Rand Paul's latest bullshit, avoid the direct question interview with Rachel Maddow is unbelievable in 2010. He is an advocate of all but one part of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 - business owner's choice of discrimination (race, color, creed, sexuality). But naturally, he compared walking into a bar being black with a firearm carrying patron about the same sorta deal.

Looks like a new equation can be created. Intelligent Design Believer's Danger Corollary "Baretta 9mm = Melanin."

Naturally, that's bullshit.

Assuming, Paul's ideas were to come into fruition. You'd walk into a bar with your black friend. Police officer would stop you.

"I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I brought my concealed negro in with me. Yes, officer, I have gone through the negro safety course. Honestly, sir, I thought I left my negro locked under the bed."

I've never been afraid of getting hit by melanin. No one has, except George W. in Haiti (see: Bush wiping hand on Clinton.) Someone walking into a bar with a holster full of pigment hasn't put my life in danger. "Ah shit, I just got hit with Blackness!"

Fucked up? Yes.

There's a certain point in politics, rhetoric - personal or public, that needs to be addressed. It's an absolute travesty and irresponsible that anyone in the public eye to should advocate this ideology with supporters at his back.

Though, his stance wanting to repeal the American Disabilities Act is a great idea. I've been after their parking spots for year. If you're in a wheel chair, what's that extra distance when you're rolling down the parking lot anyway.

New site overhaul!

2010-05-17T09:20:00.005-05:00

Looks like my blog/site has gotten an impromptu overhaul.

I saw that blogger now has static page capabilities, so a new template was needed for that, which is an excellent move for the people at blogspot, because that had been an inferior design, as compared to WordPress.

WordPress is awesome and has widgets and support that blogger still would love to attain, but the Pages thing is awesome.

AAANND having a blog where you can change out the pictures and a flash type movey turntabley thing. I believe that is the technical phrase, depending on whether you're using joomla or druppel or whatever weird ass template to fit some weird ass Content Management System.

I don't typically geek out on here for the sake of geeking out without having jokes and a purpose. Ah yes, the purpose, I remember now....

All photos in the main header are from Caryn Loveless Photography except the "videos" photo, which was shot by Andy Bond from Livefrommemphis.com. The graphic design (rather "knockoff photoshop") was done by me, as I'm my own webmaster.

...but their camera stuffs, and we thank them. Thanks, Caryn and Mr. Bond.

I suspect I'll be doing more to the pages, so keep back. Also, I think I'll be answering FAQs for fun.

See ya in Alabama, Michigan, North Carolina, and the various pilot stations between here and there.

-Jane

Answer Dog FAQs.

2010-05-17T07:12:00.007-05:00

I've decided to start answering different people's FAQs. I like my answers better.

These questions arbitrarily came from PetPeoplesPlace.com.

* Can Dogs Be Fed Carrots?

Yeah, but dude, you have a dog, not a rabbit. Stop being a pussy and feed him beef. Or the neighbor's kid.

* Can Dogs Be Fed Pork?

Yes, unless your canine is Hebrew. Good indication of this, check the lipstick - is it circumcised? Does he refuse to work on Saturdays? Does she say things like, "Bark Vey?"... If so, perhaps you have a Jack Russelstein Terrior.

* Can Dogs Watch TV?

Duh. It's when you train them to change the channel and grab you a beer do dogs really show their purpose in life.

* Why Is My Dog Foaming At The Mouth?

Because he's on heroin. You're a bad mother.

* Do Dogs Get Hiccups?

Yes, after they drink sprite too quickly.

* Ear Wax Build Up In Dogs

Ew gross. And that's not a question.

* Excessive Grass Eating In Dogs

Dude, get your dog out of my stash. And that wasn't a question.

* How Harmful Is Chewing Gum To Dogs?

Not very. They love Juicy Fruit.

* How To Resolve Constipation In Dogs

Hot cup of coffee and oat bran cereal.

* Why Does My Dog Snore And How Do I Stop It?

Because he's asleep. Breathe right strips may look funny, but they work.

* Can Human Laxatives Be Used On My Dog?

This is a trick question, right? Sounds like a great youtube video to me. "Projectile Shitting Dog!" - I'd totally watch that.

* Can Dogs Eat Cat Food?

It's not cat food I'd worry about. The first time you see your pooch eat a kitty doo doo loaf, it makes you want to vomit.

* Is Shivering An Indication Of Pain?

It's the DTs! I've told you, your dog has a heroin problem. Probably just needs a fix.

* Can Dogs Have An Abortion?

I don't think they have "Planned Puppyhood". If your smack addled dog doesn't quit that black tar, I'd seek out the "procedure' as a good option. You don't want to have little crack puppies stealing money out of your purse.

Thank you, come again.

I eat things for Money

2010-04-13T18:33:00.003-05:00

Stupidity and boredom at it's finest - and we're all sober! I apparently will do things for money as long as there is a camera on... hey, except that...

PART I

PART II

Google Fiber - Memphis Campaign

2010-03-27T04:57:00.002-05:00

I'm in here. Sorta. It's amusing. Sorta. Cool people in it, though.

Post-Coital Health Care Reform

2010-03-22T03:37:00.003-05:00

Health Care has passed the House, ladies and gentlemen, which is a great step in the right direction.

Tonight was like having beer goggles for a year just to get it passed. In the Democrats eyes, it was like, "Just give it up, baby... come on, come on!" And it's done. We've blown our democratic load, and now it's the wake up time to realize, wow, this bill is still shitty. But bad sex is better than none, and any health reform is no different.

This bill involves no reach around, no head, no call the next day, but hey, it is something, and that dirty whore of an issue is off the list.The opponents who claim this is unconstitutional might have a point, but with that line of thinking, so is car liability insurance and that is all the bill is doing. You, as a human, are a liability to all the humans around you. This really doesn't care about you as an individual, it's more to make sure you don't get ebola, or if you do, we can quarantine you properly (paid for!), dispose of the body (paid for!) and so that you don't get your disgusting, infectious debt on the people around you.

This isn't going to take away one's freedoms, regulated, yes. Or at least not take your freedoms away to the same degree as The Patriot Act or Homeland Security or the TSA and we rushed those through without little opposition, save Robert Byrd's old crazy ass on C-SPAN. He missed Matlock for two whole days trying defend us from the Wiretaps and the invasion of our privacy, under the guise of "security." Yet, Health Care Reform that could ultimately help the population becomes an argument of talking points and the ever popular American division, a Roe v. Wade issue. If the Patriot Act spied on your fetus or took Jesus out of your grandma, maybe then would the Patriot Act passing have become an issue.

There's going to be a lot of bitching about it on both sides. As much as the liberals have bitched about how lax Obama has been on gay rights (which he clearly stated on an interview with Melissa Etheridge pre-election, he was for Civil Unions, not full on "marriages"), but Obama really isn't promising that much. People are reading into what he has to say to fit their idealized view of him. He's quite the moderate. In fact, he's not liberal enough for my taste, but Kucinich would never have had the huevos to pull his chirizo out and smack the Republicans across the face like Barack did to get this bill passed. If Hogwarts was a real place, then Kucinich could make it all happen to my standards with his Nimbus 3000 in hand, but alas...

I did enjoy the Republican statements and the other Democrats who were stalling. It's like they *finally* wanted to compromise, but the dems were like, "No, we've tried to reason with you. We even sent you flowers. Fuck you, fuck your momma, in fact, we're going to write specific provisions in the bill for Assisted Suicide of you momma." Unfortunately, the "Death Panel for John Boehner's Mother" line was taken out, due to a no taunting rule in the House from the Burr-Hamilton Parlez de Merde (Talking of the Shit) Amendment of 1804.

What are we to see... pretty much nothing for a while. If you're a kid, congrats! You should get health insurance in this first year! The pre-existing condition clauses in private insurance will be the first to go this year and some of the actual industry reform will happen. The taxing won't start till 2013; either start making a lot of money where you hire people to get you out of taxes or start making less. The insurance mandate won't happen until 2014. You've got time to get private insurance, move out of the country, figure out your hardship excuse, become 100% under the poverty line, become an illegal alien, hack into the Social Security mainframe and make yourself a non-person to avoid that evil government health care system or just die. So, there are options.

So, in four years time, when we will, by law, must have health care, it'll give me another reason to avoid the IRS. You think that driving down the road without insurance avoiding the cops is bad now? If I'm still uninsured, I'll be walking down the street and at the very sight of a White Dodge charger, I'll hop into a bush. If I'm lucky, I'll scratch up my leg, it'll get infected. I won't be able to go to the hospital, because it's my fault - no insurance. It'll get gangrenous and I'll have to cut my own leg off with a hacksaw. But it'll be okay, because I'll become an avid animal rights activist, then hop my way to Paul McCartney's house, to see if he's in the market for a new ex-wife. I'll get my coverage one way or another.

Welcome to 2010. No space cars or jet packs. Just more let down for some.

To sum it up this year has really sucked if you're a Haitian, Republican, Colts fan that used to be in love with Corey Haim.

So, you're interested in a relationship....

2010-03-15T03:57:00.002-05:00

I don't know how or when I was deemed "relationship" expert by friends but I have. I feel like Greg Behrendt! Today I've spent about 5 hours talking about the damn things. Some of them mine, past, present and future, other people's seriousness and break up and limited knowledge and mentor. Pretty much every sort of relationship with several people and none did I instigate. (BTW, if you were apart of those convos, I'm in no way angry at you and none of this is directed at one person. Just general themes I saw re-occur throughout the time.)

My credentials?

The longest any sort of regular relationship I've had lasted 6 months, and I only saw that guy between about 2am and 10am...

So what I know? Not a lot, but still, people make illogical decisions and slight people for stupid reasons.

Here's what I think I know, should you ask.

1) Casual sex happens. It can be a lot of fun. Just make sure you both are clear on what you are in for. During casual sex, booty calls, friends with benefits, insignificant others and he-bitches/she-bitches a few guidelines should be held.

a) There should be no talk about how you want kids, "no one will marry you", and definitely NO CRYING about your ex. All that leads to pity fucks and you might end up with someone who sticks around for you while you've move on and all you really need is a therapist and not a sexual partner.

b) Do not enter a casual sex relationship if you have talked mad shit about the person to your friends or to their face. You are then using that person and therefore, a piece of shit.

c) Make sure you are not in some sort of relationship, or the other person you are hooking up with doesn't think you are in a relationship, either way, you have "casual sex" and that's cheating, making you a piece of shit.

d) If you are on a date with someone else, tell your casual sex partner. It's way easier for you to tell them immediately, then letting them find out down the road when they think you've been exclusive about it all.

e) First time around, don't ask for anal. Don't hook up with someone is naive for your own gain, you piece of shit.

f) Don't get anyone pregnant! For christ sakes, there are tons of free condoms to be had. They're not expensive. Use them, dumbshits. This rule especially applies under casual sex. Don't assume anyone is on birth control, because birth control doesn't always work well with a woman's body. Also, in a day and age where health care prices are rising and not everyone is insured, sometimes a doctors visit/expense of the pill is not a valid option.

g) Always, always, always use a condom. Always. If not only for f) but also for stds. You don't want to get self-conscious hearing the phrase "clap it up!" and think,"I already have."

h) Tell your friends that it's happening. Not out of gossip, but out of the sake of hey, I've been there, you might want to know. Also, tell them if it's breaking man-code/girl-code if they hook up with that same person.

2) Calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Sometimes casual sex turns into that. One day you realize that hey, I want to see only this person. See this person during the day, even. Maybe bring them out into a well lit bar instead of the local dive you can take quasimoto in, feed her pbr's until she gives it up, and none of your friends noticed her wretchedness because half of the lamps are out.

In that relationship, again, guidelines.

a) F is a little more complicated here. Getting someone pregnant no matter how much you "think you love each other" is a bad idea before you get married, that is if you believe in it. You don't know if you can stand each other yet. Wait through a few really bad life changing events for you both. If you handle it separately and together well, then you might have something. There is nothing more life changing than a child. And if you break up afterwards, you've already made the kids life more difficult than you should because you both were irresponsible.

b) G still applies. Especially, if one part cheats. There is no worse way of finding out you're bf/gf is cheating on you by finding herpes.

c) DON'T move in together. Give it a year or two. If you're getting a significant other for cheaper rent and half the bills, then avoid the drama and get a roommate. Craigslist is free. Having your own place to call sanctuary is essential. Especially if you find out you fight. Also, it's another place to hook up and have sex. Different apartments and houses have different furniture arrangements, and different countertop placements for random obstacle sex. It's sort of like doing bmx trials, but you're getting ass.

d) Make sure you know how serious your relationship is. Don't talk about marriage in the first month, you biological clock having freak. Communication is the key. And make sure you're not getting into a relationship to make anyone jealous or as a rebound. And don't take previous relationship baggage and automatically assume the next person will do it to you. If they do, then maybe it's your choice in guys.

e) There is a fine line between jealousy and being right. You know your patterns, watch out when they change for the worse. If they don't change back, either there's a break up is coming or maybe a cheater. Both possible. Either way, it's probably for the best.

f) When a relationship ends, I'm sorry, buddy. That sucks, but if they didn't want to be there... let them go. Good riddance. Looks like you get the remote back.

3) Marriage. All I have to say, is stop fucking this institution up. Why get married if you weren't that committed? It's way easier to break off everything else than this. But no, you had to bring legal documents and jewelry into because some sort of social standard that you thought you had to get married. Don't be a dumbass, don't bite off more than you can chew.

On the other hand, those who make marriages work, shine on you crazy diamond. I don't know anything about it.

4) Being absolutely single. Yeah it can get lonely, but there's porn. You don't have to change shit, you have your own schedule. You can do a one night stand and then be on your way and don't have to deal with any of the other bs that your peers are dealing with. If you don't want to be single, and you're all like "I don't know why I am... I want this, I want that..." boo. Seriously, you've offended me already, loser. Just go be you, love yourself for you and be confident. The rest will follow. Sometimes, it's best to stay here.

Bottom line... treat other people with respect, honesty and you are in the clear - mentally and with a jury of your peers. Never underestimate - Do unto others as they would do unto you.

At 19, I hated Alaska, apparently

2010-01-07T21:28:00.001-06:00

Looking for something else, I came across this poem/song that I forgot that I had written when I was 19. It amuses me... maybe I was emo?

I hate Alaska more than you know
Just a frozen wasteland of ice and snow
Fairbanks is an anus . A big shitty hole.
I hate Alaska. And the North Pole

Plenty of homeless natives who are passed out drunk
There's three kinds of trees with toothpicks for trunks
They've got Polar Bears, but you'll never see one
Just a retarded toothless redneck on his trailer porch and a shotgun

Japs and krauts make a journey to see the northen lights
Hope you like 3 months of pitch black night.
People get depressed there when the sun goes down
And then the druggies decide to shoot everyone in town.

How can you not love our 49th state?
Leader in child molestation, domestic abuse, ice cream, rape.
Russia would send prisoners there to rot and die.
The same will happen to you, trust me. This isn't a lie.

Sex, Nude Pics and Vids Guidelines for the Inept (Or Carrie Prejean)

2009-11-15T19:32:00.000-06:00

Despite having a stage name close to that of a popular pornstar, I'm no sex goddess (outside of my own head) or have very little sense of what makes good erotica for others to consume. I hear the robot or the stanky leg aren't really a popular pole dance stylings.

Regardless, I get play and am always baffled when I get the question of "do you have naked pictures?"

For the majority, the answer is always no, which should prolly be one of the first guidelines. That will the preamble, although, if you do find yourself needing to send off sexual media, whether it be pictures or video, here are few tips. This, naturally, is inspired by the keenly intellectual, perceptive, Mensa presidential candidate Carrie Prejean's almost unbelievable handicapped reaction to her leaked sex tape.... So Carrie, this is dedicated to you.

1. If I guy says "I won't show (said media) to anyone. I promise!", we know from the Male-Defecant Theory that states, "All guys are full of shit.", that this will inevitably be a lie.

2. Never send media to someone with an iPhone. Especially if they are pictures, they are so easy to show off, whether the visual recipient is willing or it's a surprise. I don't know how many road hoes I've seen on friends phones while flipping through fun pics and then, titty!

3. Guys like nude pics. No really. It's different then perusing online porn, because they know you. They really, really like nude pics. Unless it's a pic of you with some other dude's cock in your mouth. His penis in your mouth is fine.

4. If you have funky genitalia (ie an extra vagina, hermaphroditic properties, interesting looking breasts) or have an oddly shaped body (ie misproportioned, extremely obese, emaciated), don't be surprised when you find yourself on lapdances-for-lapbands.com or nastytitties.net.

5.If you're job is to be sexy, or sell sex, and you produce a sex video, chances are your calling was to suck a dick on camera rather than trying to be a dense anti-gay rights spokesperson. Instead of interviews to defend your lack of judgement and show the world your horrible debating skills, you should probably just leave the studio and suck a dick.

6. After being caught, dont say it was a mistake. Setting up camera angles, blocking, lightening, hiding dirty laundry in the background, choosing matching undergarments is a production. Productions are a lot of works for a mistake. Even the Blair Witch Project never called it's production a mistake.... because it was intentional!!

7. Unless you have blackmail on your recipient, don't be surprised that it gets out to his friends. I suggest getting compromising photos of him being on the receiving end of anal sex. No typical man would want that out in the public, keeping your bare ass out of the public.

8. If your parents see your nekkid media, then deny it. Deny it like your denying paternity on the Maury show. And if you can't, then bring up their sex toy collection.

9. If your vid/pics get viral, go ahead and capitalize! Get a sponsor. Like Trojan, KY, Viagra, gerber.

And finally...

10. You should never give your naked media to anyone who isn't awesome in bed. If they are, no amount of repercussion will matter. And I hope you get a call back. When questions come back to you, you can always answer, "what? I was away and he fucks like a champ!" Ain't no shame ladies, do yo' thang...

Now quit whining, Mz. Prejean, you'd prolly be better off if you'd quit using those vocal cords and just go suck a dick, which you're prolly better at than using your brain.

Livefrommemphis.com

2009-07-03T17:24:00.003-05:00

The loverly people at Livefrommemphis.com have put me up with the 60 Seconds of Local Memphis artist. This is my week. Rock!

Look at all the places you can find me online...

http://www.livefrommemphis.com/lfmtv/60seconds/858-60-seconds-of-jane-haze

Thanks chris and brad et al at lfm.com!

News and science stories!

2009-07-01T19:41:00.003-05:00

It's niobiumnitride snipes...
Turns out the blackest black on Earth is not Wesley Snipes.

Run, Mouse, Run!
There's a study that different oils given to mice will speed them up. Sunflower or linny. Go with the Sunflower oil my rodent friend, so you can get nowhere in your wheel, just a little bit faster.

Waggling wings.
Apparently, wings on an airplane that waggle could cut emissions by 20%. ...only 15% if that damn monkey is still on the wing.

Drunk dialing and bikram memphis

2009-06-27T22:15:00.002-05:00

Often times I find that after a night of drinking I find that I don't drunk dial. Main reason, because I slur my words enough as it is when I'm sober and I don't want to be that chick calling up.

However, drunk texting rocks! I will do that with certain individuals. Even still, I'm fairly good about keeping some moderation.

This brings up the point of having random celebrities in your phone. Like I have Steve Nieve's (Elvis Costello and the Attractions/The Imposters, pianist) The only time I could imagine having the courage to use numbers that I have (or have not been given.. ahem) would be during a drunk dial.

My mother has Ruth Bader Ginsberg's number. This would be the most excellent number to call up, especially at a raucous party where some bs argument comes up.

"Star Wars is waay better, dude! The action sequences are cooler and the scifi aspect of it going to different worlds is better."
"BS. Star Trek is the way to go. You can't compare to the power of James T. Kirk."
"Na-uh"
"Uh-huh!"
"Shut up retard, I'm gonna call up someone who could give us the final word. (dial) Hey Ruthie! I know it's three in the morning, but dude, what's better? Star Trek or Star Wars? Uh-huh... HA! Star Wars I told you, bitches! And now you can't bring it up and argue it again, because that's double jeapardy and there's no power higher than a muthafuckin' supreme court justice. No appeals. Pwned!"

You would be the most pedantic, annoying drunk ever. And that's cool.

A friend of mine called me up to tell me he was doing bikram yoga. I kinda laughed, because I had decided a while back, that as long as I'm in memphis that is pointless. Bikram yoga is yoga done at 105 degrees, with 60 percent humidity. Every thing we do in memphis during the summer is bikram. It's been over 100s all week. Yesterday I took a bikram walk to the mailbox. Then I did some bikram bbq sandwich eating. Hooked up with a dude last week with no utilities, and did some bikram fucking and afterwards had a delightful bikram nap. I lost 3 pounds. (Then gained it back on my face!)

So, that's enough for this week.

Things your local stand up comic doesn't want to hear.

2009-05-30T21:37:00.000-05:00

I am a stand up comic. Sometimes I don't feel I've had much of decision in doing stand up and being apart of that community - it just happened like teenage pregnancy. People could go off into the new-agey attitude of "it's your calling" or ones destiny, perhaps, but I never really look at it that way. It's just something I decided to do, as much as other people are musicians or writers or teachers or scientists or procreaters or church goers or what have you.

Being a comic, I don't actually think that people give us nearly the respect we deserve as being hard working or think we have a legitimate job that only a select few are capable of doing, much less actually being good at. After a little more than four years of performing and damn near ten years of researching and following the art, I've come to some conclusions based on oh-so many conversations I've had with people about stand up comedy. So, as a gift to society, I've compiled a list of moronic ideas we hear over and over again, which proves our mental superiority and other peoples shear ignorance.

1. "My favorite comic is..." or Professional Ignorance.

When talking to people from shows, this topic often comes up. This is where you find out what the level of your comedy audience is or was. Especially in rednecky parts of the country or college campuses, the line "My favorite comic is..." is often proceeded by names like Larry the cable Guy, Dane Cook, or Carlos Mencia. Typically, what the person in front of you looks like will give you some indication as to what professional hack with which they most identify. Every time someone says one of those names, a comic moves away from LA and goes back to their 9-5 job in their hometown.

When it comes to the profession of comedy, saying one of those names is like calling US Weekly or Guns & Ammo your favorite novel.

To fix this, simply go to your local comedy club, ask the comics who they're favorites are and research. Then maybe next time you'll sound enlightened by listing people such as Bill Hicks, Robert Hawkins, Ron Shock or my personal favorite, Greg Proops.

2. "I was just trying to help you out..."

The ol' heckler misconception. If you ever say this to a comic, please go home and shoot yourself. The idea of heckling is really a faux pas. In the 80s, a lot of comedians relied on audience interaction and had no real act. Nowadays, it's still in people's minds to heckle, despite the fact the majority of the time, the performer has written material a set amount of time, and none of it involves you.

If you must heckle, ask yourself this - am I capable of driving home without getting pulled over for drunken driving? Am I a bachelorette with any sort of penis paraphernalia on my person or at my table? Was I about to say 'git 'r done'? If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, don't speak. You're a nuisance, we've heard it before, and yes, please do shoot yourself.

3. "Do you know who you remind me of?"

The answer to this, is do I care? That answer is no. Unless it's someone brilliant, walk away.

...and shoot yourself.

4. "My friends think I'm funny."

Fantastic, then go down to the open mic and sign up. Don't detract away from my time of day by saying something to me that proves nothing. Besides, you're probably not and you're friends are probably wrong. If you decide to do comedy, chances are they'll be the only ones laughing. I've seen it too many times. That's about as disrespectable as going up to Itzhak Pearlman and saying,"Hey dude, I play a mean fiddle too, let me go out on the road with you." Not that the majority of people who say this would know who Itzhak Pearlman was...

5. "You should use that in your act."

Again, no I shouldn't. You use it in your act. The story about your homophobia going into a gay bar or that street joke I heard 15 years ago is not worth my performance time, but you go ahead.

6. "You're a comic? Tell me something from your act!"

You would think people would have enough respect to leave this one alone. To do a joke from your act at a bar or in a bank line or at church is always weird and awkward. This is not the same setting, and I'm not getting paid. Comedy is still a stage show. When you're off work from writing or driving or contacting bookers, sometimes you don't want to think about it any more. Besides, talk to us long enough, chances are, we'll run a joke or idea by you eventually, we're quite shifty like that.

7. "Stick with it!"

Sigh... because I planned to stop? I'm glad Billy the Drunky Guy in the audience is now doing the evaluating of comedy. When we say "Thank you" to this after having stuck with it for years, it really means, "Seriously, please go shoot yourself."

8. "Bill Cosby never used profanity."

Last time I checked, my name isn't Bill Cosby. But you know who did use profanity? Sam Kinison, Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Redd Foxx, Richard Pryor, Mitch Hedberg... and pretty much every other fun adult humor oriented comic since. The people in America curse everyday. Shit, I did it just now. It's a personal choice, and if it's not your cup of tea, then it's not. Just remember cursing does exist in the vernacular of the majority of our culture; a comic is speaking with the tone and linguistic propensity they are most comfortable with while communicating our brand of humor to you.

9. "Being a comic must be so fun."

Comedy has it's moments of being the greatest thing ever. It also has it's moments of being the most soul sucking creature to walk this earth since Karl Rove. You must travel all the time, keyword there is the imperative, which can be awesome when you're going to a cool place, but when you find yourself in a place like Prestonburg, Kentucky, you think otherwise. Not enough people realize the hardship that being on the road can be. Drinking to access is as much networking as imbibery. We are advertisements for more booze. We eat fast food for weeks at a time, hurting our health. Morgan Spurlock did it for fun, we do it out of necessity. Vegetables and vitamins aren't always on the agenda. Oil changes and new tires happen in a ridiculously short time. Not getting paid from establishments and bookers, getting fired for small infractions of fascists managers, politics, social networking, self marketing, trying to get on tv, trying to get into festivals, getting CDs or t-shirts printed, restocking your promo packs,... AAAHHHHH!!!!

Oh yeah, we write jokes too. And we're not even going to talk about bombing. And people wonder why comics can be a little weird.

10. "You're not that funny."

I'm still a (mostly) nice person. And I've put years of hard work and thought into being this unfunny. I appreciate your feedback and I'll try again tomorrow. But really, as we've established, you're probably not that good of an audience member or comedy connoisseur - so there. I hope you go home tonight, find your rifle and some hollow points and yes, please do leave me be and go shoot yourself.

Crowley to Hip Hop Prayer Book

2009-05-27T05:20:00.001-05:00

I read a tweet today, that has spun me into 3 hours of random wiki reading. The quote was from Crowley. I learned that Crowley first developed a drug addiction after a London doctor prescribed heroin for his asthma and bronchitis.

And to think how hard it is to get oxycontin these days from your physician. I think we've regressed.

That's also like weeding your garden with nuclear weapons. Sure, it'll get the job done, but really, do you need the cancer?

Learning about Aleister Crowley spun into all the secret societies and his occult practices and his life to Thelema and finally back over to Christianity.

I tried to cross reference something from wikipedia, which ended up being mis-cited according to my trusty KJV. I sat that down, and remembered that my mom also gave me a "Hip Hop Prayer Book" for my birthday.

I finally cracked the pages. Yes, it's as hilarious as you'd think it'd be.

First problem - It's still an Episcopalian prayer book, which combines the whitest group of people on earth, with their perception of what they think the inner city youths will respond to.

Saying "WORD!" after "amen" for example. I don't get it, but will keep reading.

This goes to from regular Nicene Creed or Lord's Prayer speech to their horrible interpretation of Psalm 114.

The regular Psalm 23 can be found here - http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2023;&version=9;

The Hip Hop Prayer Book version is:

[...]
He guides my life
so that I can represent
and give shouts out in his Name.

And even though I walk
through the Hood of death,
I don't back down
for you have my back.

The fact that you have me covered
allows me to chill.

He provides me with back up
in front of my player haters
and I know that I am a baller
and life will be phat.

I fall back in the Lord's crib
for the rest of my life.

You've taken a somewhat reputable work and made it not so much.

It's like taking the bible and putting it through the snoop dizzle site translator.

Also, as a fun fact, the final pages has a list of "respect, shouts out! & big ups", which as you might know, the plural of "shout out" is "shout outs"...

Number one listed... "Poet, Prophet Tupac Shakur"

Jigga wha?! While "Hail Mary" might sound like it should be in the book, I doubt the line "revenge is like the sweetest joy next to gettin pussy"...

Sounds like church to me...

So, "hail mary, nigga" might be apropos in this context. Like Praised be the Lord, bitch! Kyrie eleson, motherfucker. It's very hostile sounding, but instead of gregorian chants, you get kanye west and nas. (not joking. the eucharist schedule is on the back and those two artist are the music.)

Now... back to the Book of the Law wiki entry. It's 4 hours later and I still haven't gotten pass the second paragraph. Damn you ease of information around us all.

Cough and a wheeze... I think I need some heroin.

Barack Obama, Sex, Tomboys and Creepy Dudes...

2009-05-21T17:32:00.001-05:00

Thought I'd share some of my videos with the rest of ya! Hope you enjoy what you see. As far as the road act, this is the most current one up to date. Enjoy.

BBQ

2009-04-12T00:46:00.002-05:00

I'm watching a show on bbq. I'm appalled.

How are you gonna have a pig race at a bbq fest... I'm looking at you Lexington, NC. See, this is why memphis is better than you on bbq.

How are you gonna have white people being in charge of bbq? Seriously. I think I hate Lexington, NC. It's the Dane Cook town of bbq.

Maybe I'm a Memphis BBQ elitest, but that's not right. I'm looking at these other style BBQs like the super close minded hateful, small-towned redneck seeing a tranny for the first time - don't know whether to ask it more questions or fight it.

Spanky Brown and Pirates

2009-04-11T05:53:00.004-05:00

A problem that seems to be about as common for americans as the Black Plague - pirates have hijacked a ship. Firstly, the pirates are somalian, so congrats to them on catching up to the late 1700s, where the rest of the world is concerned.

President Barack Obama will be briefed in pirate negotiations later today. I hope this involves the word "parlay", Johnny Depp and the ultimate trump card, Keith Richards. If you saw the movie, Keith Richards is the most elite of the pirates. So, if they don't respect that, then he can always rock their ocks off with a rendition of "Honky Tonk Women."

I also wonder if Pirates of the Caribbean (1-3) was what inspired these somalis. Little do we know, Pirates of the Caribbean could be the modern day Pirate "Birth of a Nation."

AND yesterday I had the pleasure of being a guest on Spanky Brown's internet radio talk show. Have a listen, I was on for about 5 minutes or so.

Spanky Brown's Internet Radio Show

Dear pedophiles, rapists, sodomites, underaged kids and soccer moms,

2009-04-08T01:56:00.000-05:00

Dear pedophiles, rapists, sodomites, underaged kids and soccer moms,

Please get the fuck off Facebook. You guys are fuckin' this site up. I just sat through the worst fear inspiring story about three murders because of "facebook!"...

To the kids under 14, who are luring these losers who can't go out and prey on young kids the old fashioned way -- some candy and a van (that's retro now!) -- you too. Could you please fuck off if you are too stupid and immature not to know, "hey, maybe I shouldn't put my cell phone number on my page" or "maybe if I take a picture of me with my underdeveloped breast exposed, my parents might not like that." They don't like that. But you know who does?! The guy on the corner of your block, Rusty, who stares at you when you play in the sprinkler. He's really excited about your picture choice.

Now pedophiles, rapists and sods specifically, seriously. I'm down with you getting your luvins. I am, but please, don't say you hooked up on facebook. Say it was friendster.

I don't want overactive imaginations of parents to get all excited because they think they're little white trash accident is what you desire, which I'm assuming you have higher standards. Then the soccer moms and yuppie dads will want Lamebook.com to be shut down. And this can't happen, because in the event it did, I would be so... I might have to... Fuck it. I got nothing. I might get off my fat ass and go outside or read a book. Nevermind. Rape away.

Love (the non violent, and consentual kind),

Jane

Lucinda Williams featuring Elvis Costello

2009-03-28T00:33:00.002-05:00

This is a new track from the latest from Lucinda Williams. It features Mr. Declan "Elvis Costello" MacManus on it. This makes me happy.

Jailhouse Tears

Rock n Roll Hall of What?

2009-03-24T17:26:00.003-05:00

The Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame has announced it's inductees for this year. Among the inductees is Run DMC. Correct me if I'm wrong, but last time I checked, they were one of the most influential hip hop groups of all time.

Checking wikipedia:

an influential hip hop group from Hollis, in the Queens borough of New York City.

Nope. Not wrong.

Run DMC is not in the same genre as rock n roll. So who's next? Toby Keith? Laurence Welk, Tiny Tim? Liza Minelli?

We're just going to let Run DMC in, when I believe Iggy Pop and the Stooges probably should be ahead.

Since the RnR Hall of Fame has decided to do this, I want the Hip Hop Hall of Fame to do an equal trade off. I want them to do an induction like,"Yo, I'm proud to present the next inductee into the Hip Hop Hall of Fame. They coming from the real ol' skool. They are the OGs of flowing, and they were down with pirates before Johnny Depp. Its my honor to present to you... Gilbert and Sullivan for their work with Pirates of Penzance! Honorable Mentions to Tom Lehrer."

Then I'd like to see 50 cent and Jay Z doing a "Modern Major General cover.

In short, in matters rock, rap and musical,
I'm the very model of a today's young and cynical.

Playing with Technology

2009-03-24T14:06:00.002-05:00

I'm not what one would call a tech geek. I play with tech and that sort of thing all the time, but I could careless what your processor is, how much ram you have, mac or pc... just don't care. You know why? Because it doesn't matter what you have, as long as it gets the job done in a manner that doesn't make me want to throw the computer or machine out of the window.

I was just playing, I really don't like macs.

Yeah, I said it. What are you gonna do about it?

Having said that, I got a new eee PC this past week and have been playing around with it to see what I am capable of with it. As far as video is concerned, this is what I was able to do in about two hours, from start to finish.

Yes, I realize that was retarded. It was a little like the Maria Bamford Show on Super Deluxe without all that plot...

Looking at it now, I'm like, "I need some friends." But at the time of making it, I was all Gilda Radner as that little girl playing make believe with the stuff in the closet. It's amazing what 4 o clock in the morning will do to your brain.

Anyway, that was the test run of the thing. Juvenile yes, but hey, it's pretty cool what you can do in just a short time with these little things.

Old People Viagra Commercial Pitch from Jacksonville

2009-03-05T02:27:00.002-06:00

This is the sort of thing that I think about when I'm left to my own devices. Sadly, a group of Elk Club members were caught in the crossfire of my antics and I happen to have a camera on me. It's not necessarily one of the most clever things I've down, but it's the sort of thing you endure while hanging out with me.

The large dude in the video is Mo Alexander singing the outtro theme song. "Beer for My horses", the willie nelson/toby keith version, naturally.

I guess being in the Deep South for to long will bring out the country in everyone, even a large black male.

I <3 Mo Alexander.

And Octogenarians. Even if I can't always spell it.

Johnson City, Tennessee

2009-02-21T22:24:00.003-06:00

While I'm out here in Johnson City, Tennessee, I've learned a few things. Firstly, the beverly hillbillies 60s tv show, is considered a proper historical document. They play it out on the history channel here.

Secondly, I do a lot of sex jokes in my act. Turns out they didn't relate, because I didn't start out any of them with "baaa" and end with imagery of a sheep smoking a cigarette afterwards.

Octomom

2009-02-13T15:47:00.004-06:00

Octomom seems to be the most appropriate name for the chronic breeder of 14. I like to practice chronic breeding, but what's the fun in actually having children. Or having children without the sexy fun time. Boo I say, boo!

TMZ has been so kind to the public by releasing pictures that we don't need to see, nor is it any of our business to gaze upon them. But why not? I saw it, I must repost:

Look at how fat she is in that picture! Look at those veins! Damn, she was huge. It's like her belly is three times her size. Now let's compare her to the common garden spider:

Not a pretty sight either. It's very easy to get confused. Let's make this a lesson to all children, wanting to play mommy a little too much. Don't make your belly the shuttle bus to the welfare office. Birth should not outdo semi automatic rifles in frequency. And if a spider has less offspring than you, damn, invest in a coat hanger. All you need to do is get one dress dry cleaned and done, you have an abortion accessory and then a delightful party dress afterwards to celebrate your new freedom.

Phelps Hydroponics

2009-02-13T15:25:00.002-06:00

In my youth, meaning when I was younger, meaning not as old as I am right this very second... see, even when I started this blog, I could consider my youth. There, I've started this out to thoroughly confuse and semantically make myself not technically not as incriminated... Let's start this again.

In my youth, my friends never got busted for smoking pot. We've had pictures, I regret to say, hopefully burned. I doubt they've ever made it into the hands of the authorities, despite my NSA background checks, even if they have, my friends have never gotten busted. You know why, because I've never won any Olympic gold medals, Special Olympics or otherwise. Hell, I won first place track ribbons in third grade Shelby Youth Sports (SYS), and my friends still haven't gotten busted. Because of my underachieving status, you have not gotten busted.

So, I'd like to publicly say, you're welcome friends.

I might have never paid for the weed. Or paid for the munchables, just consider the fact that I'm not a notable youth role model, have you not gone to jail. Again, I do this for you, my friends, not me. I could be a CEO of a major corporation, but I like you too much.

And again, you're welcome.

Memphis Comedy and Jheri Curls

2009-02-09T15:20:00.003-06:00

The very sad news has come to us all in the Memphis Comedy Stand up Community, Comedy Tennessee is shutting it's doors at their Macon Rd. location in Bartlett. Initially, I thought this was the end of those guys and Memphis Comedy, but luckily, it is not!

Hurrah!

There are rumors low to the ground that have been circling about, that they will return to Neil's in Midtown to have one nighters and collaborate with Minglewood Hall to bring in even bigger names, like your Lewis Blacks and Dave Attells.

This might be the way to go. Memphis has a long history of dying comedy clubs. Sir Laughs-a-Lot, The Looney Bin, The Funnybone, the Wacky and Not Clever Laugh Allusion with Noun Comedy Club (which was the least successful of all...).

Though, I hear my skinny, quiet, non-spontaneous, analytic, and kinda aggro father was on stage at Laughs-a-Lot once during the 80s ('86ish) as a volunteer from the audience. The story goes he ended up there dancing with a shower cap on his head whilst rapping. Clearly, a hilarious premise, most definitely not being racist.

Ironically enough, with a cursory google search, the only african, american or otherwise, with a shower cap on that I could find with a picture was Snoop, when I know I could walk on Lamar Rd. and find at least one Jheri Curl, even today, though they are a rare and illusive hairstyle, you can still find them here. I think that's why we also have a Drive in Movie theater. If Memphis looses all the jheri curls and people still talking like Supa Fly, then we will loose The Summer Drive In.

So, relaxer companies and retro pictures of Eric La Salle must not die!

What was I talking about? Oh yes, Memphis Comedy. But what's funnier than a Jheri Curl in 2009? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Except maybe a Jheri curl in 1709, now that's pretty damn funny too.

Obama stops the eight year time warp

2009-01-24T13:38:00.004-06:00

Oh joy! It is finally post January 20th, 2009. Barack Obama has finally been that person we requested 4 years ago. That person we referred to as "Anyone but Bush."

Not that any one of our lives has really changed in the last three days, unless you have been vacationing in Gitmo. Outside of you, oh you rascally detainee, you, the rest of us really haven't had a change yet. Though, what am I saying, it'll take me till Friday to change my sheets if I have the idea on Monday; the idea of being able to single-handedly raise the economy in that time is an anathema.

Despite that, the air has changed. We can do things just like we did back in those good ol' blow jobbery Clinton years; for example, you can vote republican again. I'm not going to endorse it nor will I do it myself, but hey, it's not an immediate call to fascism like it has been. Immediate I said, you're still a fascist, whether you know it or not.

We can once again visit other countries and not immediately apologize!! Or pretend to be Canadian. I'm not even going to pretend I wasn't guilty of either of those.

We can join the military! Well, I'm still waiting around for boot camp, but really, there was no way I'd join under Bush. Despite the fucked up war, I didn't want to support his numbers and I liked to maintain my right to talk shit about *that* commander-in-chief. I'm cool with Obama being my supreme boss.

We can walk in Orange Mound in Memphis and hug a black person again.

Wait, we've never been able to do that. You'll still get shot, but at least it'll be a territory thing as opposed to "I hate you, whitey!" thing.

No... it'll still be that. Well, Orange Mound is the same, but again, at least Guantanemo Bay can be re-opened for a pleasant resort or a theme park, with the Waterboarding Rapids Log Flume and music shows with the Rendition Rockettes!

I smell capitalism pouring in that place even from here.

That's been this weeks message of love and optimism. Ja, wir koennen, indeed.

New Year's Thought

2009-01-18T15:40:00.002-06:00

Between the US Airways Crash and the tragedy of John Travolta's son, 2009 is not shaping up to be a great year for Jets.

Official Headshot

2009-01-12T05:40:00.001-06:00

Comedian Bio

2009-01-12T05:38:00.000-06:00

Up-and-coming comedian, Jane Haze isn't here for your prejudgment. This funny lady likes to test the boundaries of social perspective and general intelligence trapsing on the edge of divisive, without being one of those preachy comics. Quirky and fun, but not afraid to talk smack with the boys, this self proclaimed tomboy has played in some of the nation’s top clubs, like the Punchline in San Francisco to the Funnybone in Virginia Beach. Within the first year and a half of her performing, she was already on Seattle's Comcast Comedy On-Demand programming.

Born in Memphis, Tennessee, Jane along with her 2 siblings were raised by their single mom. Times were hard, but being Civil Servant brats had its perks - they got to travel. At 8 years old, she moved to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania; at 9, it was to Alexandria, VA; at 13, it was back to Memphis, but this time, to the suburbs.
Growing up in the suburbs, there wasn't a lot to do - this is when watching TV passes the time. More wanderlust was instilled and this time, Haze's interest in comedy was piqued by a popular improv show on tv, watching it religiously, which led to knowing about specific comics who participated, and after a while, she realized that Stand up Comedy was where it was at.

Having the opportunity to see late night shows, like Late Friday, were her first exposure of the current headliners and what comedy is today. It took about 5 years of comedy inundation, before Hazey had a chance to get on stage for the first time after she moved to Seattle. Becoming a regular at the Comedy Underground for two years, she was exposed to one of the best alt and intellectual scenes in the country, and even played the Seattle's indie staple Laffhole. She then moved to San Francisco, where she had the privilege to work and see our countries top comics and most historic clubs. Jane thinks it's still pretty cool to have been a regular at the Purple Onion, where comedy greats like Lenny Bruce and Phyllis Diller performed in the 50s.

Doing stand up is not Jane Haze's only talent, she has also performed sketch with Lamont Ferguson's "West Coast" Follies and performed with her foreign exchange group a small sketch show for the former American Ambassador to Germany, Daniel Coats at his home in Berlin. Briefly, she was a member of the Memphis Improv Troupe the Wiseguys. When she's not doing comedy, she can be seen playing clarinet and/or guitar with her band, The Community Bubble.

Currently, she tours with headliner Mo Alexander across the country, as a comic, minion and road warrior. Jane Haze can be found at facebook.com/janehazecomedy, twitter.com/janehaze or janehaze.org.

Sex and the Ex

2009-01-07T00:09:00.004-06:00

So my last boyfriend was a pretty bad alcoholic. He got so wasted one day, that he got up to go to the bathroom and instead, pissed in my closet. I did what any good girlfriend would do, so I took his head, rubbed it in the rug and said,"NO! Bad boyfriend." He broke up with me, but my rug is pee free. So I win.

Sex with him was good. Not "Meet the parents, move in together, have my babies, get married" fantastic, but "I'll forget you like comic books and are in a band" good.

I recently have had some pretty fantastic sex, which was so good that I had to write a joke about it. Now, when I'm on my death bed, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to remember my kids names, 9/11, or when President Barack Obama got shot... but I'm gonna remember that.

The Community Bubble

2008-12-19T19:23:00.002-06:00

This is a video of my band, the Community Bubble performing at the New Daisy in Memphis TN on December 5th, 2008.

The Community Bubble is a weird idea, where we have catchy, weird, nerd rock and funny tunes.
Michael Kline - lead vocals, synth
Stephen Kline - backing vocals, synth, percussion
Randall Holcomb - Bass Guitar, noise effects, lead vocals
Jane Haze - lead guitar, clarinet

The Community Bubble

It's safe to say, we are the best rock band in Memphis with a clarinetest. In your face other bands!

Von Trapp's to porn - Tony Eveready

2008-09-05T05:43:00.000-05:00

It's too late, and I'm researching arbitrary thing. First it was The von Trapp Family, to Maria. Then interestingly enough, the person Liesl was based on was a lady named Agathe von Trapp. Hideously ugly lady. But I was having a peaceful Liesl feeling, as it were, today so that's were the surfing began. Found out through wikipedia that she shared my birthday. Ah! That must be why.

Then I checked on the March 12 birthdays wondering why I'd never seen her on a March 12 birthday section. Mainly, because she's not listed.

I scrolled through the list to see if there was anyone else I'd overlooked that I should know about. No one off hand. Then saw if anyone has aspired to greatness from the 1985ers. Just soccer players and the lot.

Scrolled on by and found it curious that I share the same birthday with not one, but two porn stars at the very least. First one is Ron "Hedgehog" Jeremy, which I've known. The second one is a guy named Tony Eveready. Clicked on the link to find more out about this guy.

This is where I felt the need to blog. The wikipedia listing of it all nearly left me in stitches, because clearly a fan has editted the page in a manner that makes it palatable and worthy of an information site. There are two paragraphs specifically that I'll call attention to.

"Tony Eveready's most well-known moment came from an internet video clip shot during his tenure at Blacksonblondes.com. During filming, Eveready inserted his testicles into fellow porn star Alisha Angel's rectum [1], then proceeded to simultaneously have vaginal intercourse with her whilst two companions uttered remarks such as, "N-n-n-n-nuts in the ass; dick in the pussy!", "Aww nigga, aww nigga!", "Freak that bitch out then, Tone!", "Clown on her!", and "Now you got a DP!".

As the coitus drew to a close, Eveready first extracted his penis from Angel's vagina, making an extremely uncharacteristic popping noise. Stranger yet was Eveready's extraction of his testes from Angel's anus; these too made a popping noise, yet different from the first. Eveready himself concluded the exclamations with the now-famous quote,
“ BOOYAH! Mmmmmmmmnnnnnh! ” "

"N-n-n-nuts in the ass"??? I like the way it is played out like it's a book report. The added "n"s are especially amusing. In that sentence, there is also a semi-colon, because I'm sure that would be what the speaker of that sentence was thinking.

And the term... "Stranger yet was Eveready's extraction of his testes..." there.. you've said the stranger yet. But another strange popping noise. Yes, that is strange, and thank you young editor for pointing out the imperative popping noises of that action.

I would also like to know when that term "Booyah! Mmmmmmnh!" became famous from this guy. I recall having it around. From my perspective, a solo DP was never in question when saying "Booyah!"

The second bit that I'd like to point out is:

"as Eveready reminds the audience after liberating his testicles from temporary imprisonment. The meaning of the closing line, "OOOOOOOOEEEEEE dawg!" as Tony attempts reinsertion, is a matter of debate amongst scholars."

Liberating his testicles from temporary imprisonment? Like John McCain for a day temporary? Seems like that was done based off of his own perdition. It's the prison with the open door, to paraphrase Elvis Costello's "Country Darkness", which in itself is two puns.

Then the last line... "The meaning of the closing line ... is a matter of debate amongst scholars." Really? After a busy day of proving/disproving the existence of wormholes (intended), I'm sure Tony Eveready's quote is naturally the next topic of discussion. "Nevermind parallel dimensions Dexter Lorcan, we've got to get down to the bottom of Tony Eveready's meaning of "OOOOOOOEEEEE dawg"...

I think it's fairly self explanatory. There's a lot of not thinking when anyone is having sex. It's a lot of impulses and whatever is said in those circumstances doesn't require a lot of thought. Part of the reason, I'm not a big talker in the sack... because really, I don't want to be at work the next day thinking to myself... "Did I say 'OOOOOEEEEE dawg'?"

The strange things you find at 5 am...

Agoraphobia - Jane Haze

2008-07-26T20:23:00.003-05:00

So, I've decided to write a song today. It's a sad one. The clown is crying, as it were, but guess what? Even clowns know when to strike.

Agoraphopia - Jane Haze

That strays from the slight theme as far as "comedy oriented", but that's the great thing about having one's own blog which has hoped to be of a bigger SEO/SEF site with a blog that cradles it. One day. I too will have a PPC. And right now, because I am using obscure industry lingo, I will go in peace from you today. Maybe not in peace, maybe in apathy. That's it! I leave you in apathy, and I hope you will go away from me in listlessness. Mainly, because I want you to go away with many S's. S's are one of the most used letters in the alphabet, so really I'm hoping you leave with appropriate scrabble pieces.

So really, I should be saying goodluck on your triple word score.

That's how I'll end this then.

Good luck on your triple word score!

Chipunkery and Elvis Costello

2008-05-22T23:07:00.002-05:00

Did you ever ask yourself, what would an Elvis Costello song sound like if it were the chipmunks doing it? Neither had I, but I recorded the song today mucking about and it sounded better twice as fast. I've tried to edit it to where it sounds funniest.

Comfortable couples

2008-05-10T23:47:00.002-05:00

I don't ever want to be apart of a couple that is overly comfortable to the point of losing tact and etiquette. Like the kind of couple that decides to fart on each other.

I never want to be on either side of that relationship, because I would hate to hear,"Hey, baby! Let's 69." Fart! "Ha! Baby... I farted in your face and gave you a glaucoma test!"

Yeah...

Merry Jane Hazed Demos

2008-04-20T20:38:00.006-05:00

Demos from newly written songs.

Again, forgive the quality. That's why they're demos.

Fast and Furious

Transfixed in Time

Tranfixed is actually the better song.

The random continuity breaks are because I can only record 60seconds at a time. Again, thank you windows sound recorder.

Hope you like 'em. If not... oh well. This is all about apart of the experienced.

(Happy Mary Jane Haze day.)

Sleepless Nights

2008-04-14T11:13:00.006-05:00

When I tell people, "Yeah, I didn't sleep last night." I sometimes get the response, "Well, what did you do?" Finally I have some sort of proof... It's really sorta the thing I always do, but something gave me the inclination to try to post it.

No Sleep Mashup - Skynard and Tom Lehrer

If Tom Lehrer would have written the elements later, he probably wouldn't have parodied "Major General's Song"... why not something more current?

Forgive me for the partial song, but my NEC Laptop from '98 is upgraded as much as it can be which is only capable of the Windows 2000 sound recorder. The humming you hear is the Laptop's backing vocals.

Anyway... hope you enjoy. If not, whatever. Saying the elements of the periodic table and playing guitar is hard. You do it better. Seriously... try it.

2008 Political Candidate Haikus...

2008-04-06T04:57:00.000-05:00

Barack Obama
Half black. Half white. All fighter.
What race is your cock?

John McCain - old man.
Flip flop. Piece of shit. Cock face.
Why are you not dead?

Hillary Clinton.
First lady to ass kicker.
Cock slap that Barack.

Memphis, racoons, bus attitudes and elvis costello

2008-03-30T18:15:00.001-05:00

I've been in Memphis what, 3 days now? I'm still pretty messed up in a jet lagged/culture shocked way.

I'm still on SF time, which is *really* late waking up here. There... mildly so.

I don't want to have to use a car to get anywhere, but I fear I must. The transport here is a secret system of stealth buses that people don't want you to know about. I dare not ask a white person about the schedule or what's the deal, firstly, because I don't want to hear:
"What? Do you need to score drugs?"
"Can't I just be green or avoid unnecessary costs to my budget that I could use towards travelling or... beer?"
"Ah... you're a heroin addict! White people don't ride the bus..."
"No!"

Even walking down the street, I forgot about the silly attitudes that it's somehow not as accepted to travel down the street unless you're in a car. Like waiting at a stop light as a pedestrian...

"WTF? You're on foot? Is something wrong? Did you're car break down?"
"No, I was just wanting to go for a walk down the main drag, because I like to see what's in my surroundings and get exercise."
"Walking to walk? ....you're a junkie!"
"No!"

Though, in my walk about today, I was walking through partially residentials, when a black woman said:

"You see that?!"
"Um... yeah." (I looked over to my right, to see a dude in front of a door acting a little suspicious, perhaps a break in?)
"I've never seen one of those during the day."
"Yeah, me neither."
"That's a racoon."
"Ah yes, a racoon." (As I continued to look back to see if the guy was breaking into the house. I began to add that term to my vocabulary. Racoon - someone who does a b&e during the day...)
"And in my neighborhood, too!"
"Such a shame..."

...and just as I was about to leave that exchange alone, a fat ass racoon passed by.

Damn... a racoon means ... a racoon. (See also: Avril Lavigne.)

****

All those times I tried to stop smoking, halfassed or otherwise... nothing is better than a nagging, wannabe jewish mother. I've not smoked in front of her, nor have I made any sort of exhibition. But it's like in high school, if I had smoked in high school. I've got to do all the tricks. Going outside and far away down the block. Shower, fan, open window. Then brush my teeth, wash my face, take a shower, wash my clothes. Though, the last clean part, my mom wants me to do that anyway, because she's a germiphobe, so I'm just playing into her wishes. ....and she plays into mine. Mwahaa..

*****

My cat clawed me in the gum today. That's a badass manx. That's what I get for harassing the cat. I'm going to watch myself in my sleep. She might trying to do that soap bar in a sock thing, like in Full Metal Jacket. I did accidentally kick her in my sleep last night.

******

Elvis Costello will be here April 22, because this is my track record...

Moved to Seattle - April 6, 2005. EC performed - April 6.
Moved to SF - April 20, 2007. EC performed - May 3rd.

I think he's stalking me.

"But aren't you stalking him?"
"No. I just happen to like him and he follows me around."
"How does he follow you?"
"You know, I show up to say like a random hotel. And I just keep walking the halls for 4 hours. It's a hobby of mine. If people ask what I'm doing, I just tell people, 'room service'? Then he shows up. It's so random. Then, I'm like Elvis, what are you doing here?"
"You're stalking him. Stop. I'll have you arrested. Seek help. Now."

**********

Real Memphis News Stories

2008-03-30T18:14:00.001-05:00

Memphis, Channel 5 news, WMC stations had these news stories in a consecutive line. I'm reporting them to you...

1. There was a cop that decided to pull a car over. A police chase ensued. Shooting at the local BP ensued. The newscaster, Joe Birch had to say this,"Please contact crimestoppers, if you know anything about 'Butter roll" and "Corn roll."

2. Hassier Medina shot and killed a man who stopped him from drinking and driving.

-The man was found at his trailer in Raliegh.

3. Memphis Firefighter has been caught being a peeping tom.

"He was looking through my window at my privates and my private parts. I don't care if he is an officer of the law, that's not right."

(No tags necessary. They're all such a beautiful, beautiful news story to be heard on a serious program. I can't disrespect this situations by adding my own ideas to it. This is so great. In a row. No laughter from the news crew. Serious witnesses including pictures of these stories! Oh my... wonderful... )

Fun with bums

2008-03-29T07:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I decided that I'd like to have fun with the bum situation in Seattle. I'd like to catch one. And I know how. Set up a box, with a stick attached and set some bait. And when the bum goes for the half-smoked cigarette, I'd pull the string, and catch him.

"But what would you do with it when you caught him?" I hear you cry.

Ah simple, poke him with a stick. Then put him in a mason jar with a stick, some grass, and a carrot (bums need their veggies!). Though, a 6 ft mason jar is kinda hard to find. Then, when he was about to die. I'd take his picture and throw him back into the urban wilderness so he may panhandle away.

Madonna and Art History

2008-03-22T19:56:00.005-05:00

Filmed March 9, 2007 at the Comedy Underground in Seattle. Toby Moriceanu was the MC on a show opening up for Jim Short.

Topics include Madonna/Angelina Jolie's adoption situation, the San Francisco Modern Museum of Art, Marcel Duchamps, and Frieda Kahlo.

"Scaled Straight" Video

2008-03-22T19:53:00.001-05:00

Small video produced by Lee Stoneman about punk ass comics coming to the seen. Beward.

Filmed at Annies Social Club in San Francisco.
Features: Dave Wiswell, Julian Vance, Greg Edwards, Justin Scales (the Scalesman), Kevin O'Shea, Caitlyn Gil, among other folks.

Stand Up Video

2008-03-22T19:33:00.003-05:00

Stand up at the Underground, Sept. 11, 2006.
Host Debbie Wooten.
Open Mic

Fox News and Lent

2008-02-06T18:18:00.000-06:00

As many of you don't know and will know after the votes get in, Super Tuesday was indeed super for those in the Midsouth, dealing with lovely things that the majority of the rest of the country are only familiar with because of a Bill Paxton movie and L. Frank Baum works. I'm referring to tornados, of course.

To preface this, I'm not sure if the plural of "tornado" has an "-s" or an "-es" at the end. Sue me. I didn't stick with college, so I can't be held accountable.

The Hickory Ridge Mall was hit and the one of the walls collapsed on the Sears entrance side. This proves two things, that the Hickory Ridge Mall is ghet-toe! Tornados hit white trash meccas, the Hickory Ridge Mall is the corporate version of a trailer park. The second thing is there was a fair amount of footage of the collapse, if nothing else and I noticed that there were a lot of people standing around... not looting. People in Memphis are not above looting, besides, Sears has insurance on all the damaged goods that they'll have to throw away anyway. It proves that Sears products are so shitty, no one wants to even steal it. No one wants to steal knock off jeans and sail away into the wall cloud on a riding lawnmower. Probably a brand like Tom Steere, very close.

Then, I was watching Fox News moments ago, where they interviewed kids from Union University, which also suffered some damage at one of the dorms. The Fox News guy asked the a guy student, "What size of a tornado do you think this was? Small, medium, big?" Like it's a piece of clothing or perhaps an order of wendy's fries? ...it definitely wasn't a biggie! The student gave a legitimate answer. Then the Fox guy asked a chick, "Do you think there was some divine intervention here?" "Oh definitely, I think there was some divine invention here that didn't let anyone get hurt."

Um... G-d damn near got you. G-d must have gotten drunk, blind folded himself and started shooting at you, and by the luck of too much Cuervo did you escape the wrath.

Then the Fox News had to repeat the religious slant of saying, "You heard it. It was a medium-big tornado, no deaths or injuries, and *definitely* divine intervention."

Um... how does one have the balls to report something as *definitely* any religious affiliation? Unless G-d walked up and was interviewed of saying, "Yep, I intervened on my own creation of this weather pattern. I just wanted to freak people out by testing my powers, but I totally stepped in to save schlocky college kids. They don't do anything wrong..."

Fox News should be smacked around with a trout. The Union University kids need to be smacked with a trout. At least the weather guy on wreg.com quoted a relevant Bible verse and did a pseudo, "Please G-d, let us all be safe." (on broadcast television, mind you.), which is still over stepping the boundaries, but in a case of severe weather, I could understand. It feels like life or death is around the corner. But even he needs a light trout to the face.

Indeed, more trouting must be done to break these people away from their stupidity and inserting religion, where there need be none.

They cut back to the studio at Fox and someone asked, "What are you giving up for Lent?" (again)... and one dude said,"I'm giving up rides in Hummer Limosines." Like, and not joking. Are you fuckin' shitting me? That is your purge for your faith. Stop doing something so extravegently ridiculous to do in the first place, but you insult your own faith by giving up something so petty? Well fine. If you've put so little thought into it and totally missed the point of Lent, then I'll give up pussy! It's so much easier to give up something you don't get anyway.

Or if old folks ask me what I gave up, I guess I'll say rides in Hummer limos too. Equally ridiculous.... only one suitable for grandma.

(PS. Mr. Will Durst will be on Fox News this morning at 8:50am EST... that's why I started watching at all...)

Resume Breakdown

2008-01-24T01:02:00.004-06:00

Places Performed
• Benny's Bar, Longview, TX - Feature
• Comedy Underground, Seattle - MC, Guest and Showcase
• Comedy Underground, Tacoma - Guest and MC
• Comedy Quarter, Appleton, WI - MC
• Comedy TN, Memphis - Improv, Guest and Showcase
• Comedy Zone, Springfield, MO - Guest MC
• Comedy Zone, Ft. Smith, AR - Guest MC
• Comedy Zone, Harrisburg - Guest
• Comedy Zone, Prestonsburg - Guest
• Comedy Zone, Charleston, WV - Guest
• Comedy Zone, Greensboro, NC - Guest
• Comedy Zone, Tallahassee, FL - Guest
• Comedy Zone, Johnson City - Guest
• Comedy Zone, Pine Bluff, AR - MC
• Club Deluxe, San Francisco - MC, Showcase
• Funnybone, Virginia Beach - Guest
• Howl at the Moon, Ft. Walton Beach - MC
• Jeremiah Bullfrogs, Topeka - Guest
• Jokerz, Milwaukee - Guest, MC
• Ohm, Syracuse - Guest
• Purple Onion, San Francisco - Guest, Showcase, and Feature
• The Punchline, San Francisco - Guest
• The Punchline, Atlanta - Guest, Showcase
• Rooster T. Feathers, Sunnyvale, CA - Guest
• Harvey's South Street Comedy Club, Jackson, TN - Guest, Feature
• Sidesplitters, Knoxville - Showcase
• Somewhere in Augusta, Augusta, GA - MC
• Tippers, Clarksville, TN - Guest
• Will Call, Ft. Walton - Feature

Other Comedy
• IKEA Performing Arts Center, Renton, WA - Sketch
• American Ambassador to Germany’s House, Berlin, Germany - Sketch
• Full Moon Club, Memphis - Improv with the Wiseguys

TV Appearances
Seattle Comcast On-Demand, as "Jane Hayes"

Contests
• Placed third in the Yakima Comedy Competition, 2006
• Placed second in the Club Deluxe "Yo Momma" Contest, 2007
• Finalist for the Funniest Person in Memphis, 2008, 2009

Performed With
• Arj Barker
• Jeff Dye
• Jim Short
• Jimmy Shubert
• Andy Kindler
• Ty Barnett
• Robert Hawkins
• Matt Kirshen
• Brian Malow
• Bill Santiago
• Doug Benson
• Howard Kramer (aka Dragon Boy Suede)
• Will Franken
• Will Durst
• Marga Gomez
• Rebecca Corry
...and many, many more....

Organizations/Benefits
• Casa de la Raza
• Univ. of Wash. Young Democrats
• Planned Parenthood
• Northwest Enviromental Watch
• Taught at the TN Thespian Conference, 2010
...and more...